Greetings, my flock. I am writing to you from my mountaintop chateau in Asheville, N.C., where I have focused the efforts of the ministry's Traveling Islamic Revival Roadshow and Circus in recent days. The area was chosen for its natural beauty, vibrant downtown and high density of mountain folk. Watching television recently, I learned that hillbillies may have a great deal of money to contribute to the ministry, as well as something called "Texas tea." I am never one to turn down money in my offering plate or liquid in my water bowl, so this intrigued me.
Today, the ministry's caravan will move north along the Blue Ridge Parkway. God willing, we will find many converts and Jed Clampett-like benefactors.