Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Mugsy issues fatwa for travelers

During my recent travels, I encountered a wide range of airport security measures. There was the anti-liquid bent of the Americans, who apparently believe that saline solution and Diet Coke can bring down a plane. There was the overzealous bag-searching and overly friendly body-patting of the Germans, who needed five minutes to deduce that my father's eyeglass case was not a threat. And there was the refreshing yet somewhat alarming laxity of the Italians, who didn't so much as stamp my passport despite my nearly two weeks in their fair country.

All of us who have flown have experienced the long lines and frustrating waits (especially when scrambling to make a connecting flight) that these security measures produce. But I am here to tell you, my flock, that it does not have to be this way. Humans bring much of this misery upon themselves through their lack of preparation. I stood by, dumbfounded, as traveler after traveler took the slowest path possible through the security line. What could have been a 10-minute wait routinely became a 30-minute wait. But I say "no more!" It is time to demand better. It is time to breeze through the security line in time to buy some #*@&#* Reese's Pieces before take-off! The infidels who slow us all down have left me no choice but to issue a fatwa!! Henceforth, the following rules must be observed by all travelers -- for the betterment of all animalkind.

  1. If you see that security is requiring people to take off their shoes, do so before you reach the front of the line. Walking 10 feet in your socks won't hurt you.
  2. When going through a metal detector, do not wait until you reach the machine to start fumbling around and putting your belongings in the little bowl security provides. Take all your metal-containing objects -- coins, keys, phone, watch, belt -- and place them in a carry-on bag or zip-up coat pocket before you reach the front of the line. Then you need only send that one item through the metal detector while you walk through alarm-free.
  3. Yes, take off your metal-buckled belt. Even if it didn't set off the detector in Toledo.


Nevis said...

When I flew to Tampa in January one of the best things about my trip was the laugh I got out of the "List of items NOT to bring with you on the airplane" listed on a sign while waiting to go through security.

There were the usual items, like liquid and fireworks, but what cracked me up was the CHAINSAW.

Um...yes, because I so frequently need to bring my chainsaw on me during my travels. Must always be at ready to fight zombies.

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

The lumberjacks of this nation face a tremendous hardship, Nevis.

Eagle, Ranger, and Flyer's mom said...

Amen, Mugsy. I'm traveling to Toronto this weekend and am already dreading the people in line in front of me that act like they've never had to go through aiport security before in their lives.

Did you miss the Texas snowfall last week or were you back already?

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

I missed the snow but felt its impact with a canceled flight, ERF's mom. Have a good trip -- Toronto is one of my favorite cities.

Lucy said...

The terrorist I hate the most is Richard Reid. His attempt didn't even work and yet now I have to take off my frigging shoes every time we go through security because of his legacy. His claim to fame will be, "You know how the infidels have to take off their shoes at airports? All me."

Sarah O. said...

Fortunately, Mugsy, you do not wear shoes. But does airport security make you remove your turban?

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

I had never thought of it that way, Lucy. Future generations will surely despise Reid and his inept brand of evil.

No one makes me remove my turban, Sarah O. A pug must have limits.