Sunday, October 30, 2005

What's in store for you?

Some of you may not have accepted Allah into your lives. You may be on the fence. Heaven sounds nice, you may think, but Hell can't be that bad. Well let me tell you, friends, today I visited perhaps the closest thing this mortal coil has to Hell. And I would not wish such an eternal fate on anyone. You see, Wal-Mart Supercenter on a Sunday afternoon is pure Hell on Earth. If you want to see what awaits you should you live out your days as a heathen, venture to the house that Sam Walton built. And do so on a Sunday afternoon. You will surely shudder. Don't spend eternity waiting for a large woman on a cellphone to move her shopping cart out of the middle of the aisle, narrowly avoiding being crushed by oblivious store employees hauling a pallet of paper towels, listening to children scream, cringing as husbands cry. Live a righteous, God-fearing life, and then you can look forward to a Wal-Mart-free afterlife.

After my harrowing excursion to Wal-Mart, I treated myself to a trip to the dog park. Following a hard week of fire-and-brimstone evangelizing, it's good to go someplace to let off some steam -- to sniff and be sniffed. I made some new friends, including a fuzzy black dog that was kind enough to chase me, a rambunctious boxer puppy and a pug named Elmo with a monstrous underbite. For the most part, the dogs were friendly and respectful. But to that little white dog with the black face, remember: No means no.

9 comments:

JMG said...

For a long time now I have refused to go to Wal-Mart on the weekend. You're right, it's hell.

Leslee said...

You are so right! I hate Walmart for this very reason. And they don't treat their employees very well.

Anonymous said...

Wal-Mart is Satan!!!

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

I have heard from someone who worked there briefly that employees have to gather every morning for a sing-along/pep rally. It is clearly an attempt at cult indoctrination -- not that I would know anything about that ...

TransplantedOkie said...

I too have glimpsed the hell that is Wal-Mart. Dante surely would have included it had he only known...

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

It appears to be unanimous. It's too bad no other store can match Wal-Mart's low, low prices.

Anonymous said...

Damn the Waltons and their hillbilly-friendly, rolling-back ways.

I just read about this on nytimes.com. Does the ayatollah approve? I think it would have a calming effect after navigating Hades SuperCenter.

http://www.morusarecords.com/dcr.htm

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

Radio for pets -- it's about time. I will give it a try, though I am primarily a fan of a local Dallas program, the Pugs and Kelly Show.

Count Byron said...

Life is to be lived to the fullest. We just have to be thoughtful in deciding how to lead the 70-given odd years.
Salam