The road show hits Atlanta

Tonight's sermon comes to you live from Atlanta, or as young Wendell calls it, "Hotlanta." Our revival road show arrived in the Georgia capital this afternoon after leaving Topsail Island before sunrise, and we are now resting at a downtown hotel. Along the way, we met with a powerful man named Pedro, who has established a massive retail, motel and entertainment complex near the South Carolina-North Carolina border. It is all quite tastefully decorated; I delivered a sermon from the top of South of the Border's 165-foot-tall sombrero tower.

After a few more brief roadside appearances in South Carolina and Georgia, we reached Atlanta and went to the World of Coca-Coca attraction, just down the street from our hotel. We had the misfortune of arriving at the same time as a gaggle of rambunctious schoolchildren. As our tour began, we were herded into one room after another with the rowdy students, unable to break away. A woman led the children in exercises of Coke-fueled groupthink. "Are we thirsty?" she'd ask. "Yes!" the children would answer. "What's our favorite drink?" she'd yell. "Coca-Cola!" the youths would say. It was horrifying, seeing the Stepford children so mindlessly pledge their allegiance to a soft drink. I was, frankly, a bit disturbed that this was the setting for a school field trip. I was also disappointed in myself for not coming up with a similar indoctrination tool for Pug Life Ministries.

After tasting most of the 64 flavors of international Coca-Cola products (the Zimbabwean Sparberry was a favorite), my entourage moved next door to the wonderful Georgia Aquarium. I highly recommend it for anyone interested in aquatic creatures, although you should be advised that the facility's regulations expressly prohibit anyone from bringing a fishing pole onto the premises. Mother was most disappointed. Before leaving, I liberated an electric eel from his tank, and the ministry is now working to weaponize it. Purely for defensive purposes, of course.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must go drink a Coca-Cola.