I stood motionless on the living-room floor, exhausted from my weekend in Oklahoma. The house was my grandparents', and the paws that I felt settle on my lower back were those of Bella the Chihuahua. Recently paroled, the one-time nun in Pug Life Ministries' Catholic wing had been trying to rebuild her life in Oklahoma City. But what happened next shocked me and all others in the room. She began thrusting toward me, as my aunt gasped in horror and my grandmother shrieked in laughter. It seemed that in addition to her frequent bouts with demonic possession, Bella suffers from gender-confusion issues. Again and again, she attempted to mount me. She once even sidled up to young Wendell, but having witnessed the earlier assaults and possessing superior speed, the suspicious Wendell was off in a flash. As Bella made her fourth such advance at me, my security apparatus pulled her away. "Should we lock her up in her cage?" they asked.
"No," I barked. "Bella knows not what she does. And besides, she lacks the necessary ... equipment to do any damage." God willing, I will cure Bella of her many ailments. The fate of the world may well depend on it.