Friday, March 11, 2011

Mugsy testifies before Congress

The following is a transcript, provided by the Library of Congress, of Mugsy's testimony Thursday before the House Homeland Security Committee. He was subpoenaed to testify by Rep. Peter King, the New York Republican who organized the hearing on "Muslim-American radicalization." Mugsy's comments are translated to English.

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen of Salem, er, Washington. I assume that you must have had a good reason for rousing me from my nap, given the many challenges facing this country. How may I help you today?

Rep. Peter King, R-N.Y., tenses up
at the sight of an elderly woman
in a hijab.
REP. KING: Please state your name, age and occupation.

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: I am Mugsy, supreme ayatollah of Pug Life Ministries. I am 9 years old.

REP. KING: And you're a ... a dog, correct?

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: That is correct, Sen. McCar, er, Rep. King.

REP. KING: Before we get down to business, would you like to make any statements?

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: My lawyer advised me to cooperate fully with your inquisition, er, investigation. It is my understanding that you believe you are investigating some sort of existential threat to the United States of America, perhaps some kind of fluoridation plot? I confess that I am fuzzy on the details. But I want to make it known that I stand ready to refute any charges against me. And if it becomes necessary, I am fully capable of floating in a tub of water for prolonged periods of time to disprove any accusations of witchcraft. But let the record show that I am not a fan of bathtime and would strongly prefer to avoid such an outcome.

REP. KING: Duly noted. Mr. Mugsy, it says here that you are a self-avowed "terrierist." Is this true? And if so, please explain yourself.

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: Yes, I am fond of all terriers. Especially Bostons. What could be more American than that?

REP. KING: Now wait just a minute! Terrierism is a serious issue ...

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: Mr. Chairman, you can't actually spell, can you?

REP. YVETTE CLARK: Um, perhaps we shouldn't stray off course here. This hearing is embarrassing enough to the House as it is. 

To be continued ...


Joseph Shippert said...

I have wondered about the Ayatollah's view on Boston terriers. I am glad to see he views them favorably and hopes he will bless any Bostons I may adopt in the future.

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

I once performed a wedding ceremony for a Boston terrier and a pug, Joseph. They're wonderful dogs.

Bumble said...

Mugsy, Bumble feels he must warn you despite great personal danger... The white van outside your house the past few weeks is NOT a sattelite installer! It doesn't take three weeks to install Direct TV, nor do Direct TV vans have dishes on top like that... Flee to France while you still can!

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

Thank you for the warning, Bumble.