Happy St. Patrick's Day!

God willing, I will consume some green rawhide today. 

Mugsy testifies before Congress: Part II

Rep. Peter King warily eyes a contingent of puppy dogs. 

The following is Part II of a transcript, provided by the Library of Congress, of Mugsy's testimony Thursday before the House Homeland Security Committee. He was subpoenaed to testify by Rep. Peter King, the New York Republican who organized the hearing on "Muslim-American radicalization." Mugsy's comments are translated to English. To read Part I of this post, click here.

REP. KING: All right, so Mr. Mugsy, as a leading figure of the muslin [sic] community, you must be aware of everything that happens in the terrorist underworld, the various actions of al-Qaeda and other radical muslin groups plotting against this country.

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: No, I have no such knowledge. I would not associate with such infidels.

REP. KING: You see, this is the problem. There are Muslim leaders in this country that do not cooperate with law enforcement. ...

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: If I may interject, wouldn't this be a good issue for the FBI and other law enforcement agencies to address? I notice that nobody from the FBI is scheduled to testify. Were they unwilling to play along with your narrative, given the utter lack of evidence you've provided to back up your claims? A study released last month by the University of North Carolina found that fully 40 percent of extremist plots in the U.S. in recent years were thwarted thanks to the help of Muslim Americans.

REP. KING: Now you wait just a minute here, pug. I will ask the questions at this hearing. As I was saying, we have the reality that al-Qaeda is trying to recruit Muslim Americans, and yet we have people in the Muslim community who refuse to face up to this.

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: So you're saying that if a Muslim American has knowledge of a terrorist or a terrorist sympathizer in our midst, he should come forth and speak against that person?

REP. KING: Absolutely.

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: (Whispers to attorney)

SAUL GOODMAN: Mr. Chairman, my client tells me that he has direct knowledge of a terrorist sympathizer in this very room. But I want to make sure that this panel really wants him to provide the information in this public setting.

REP. KING: Of course we want him to provide the information! Who is it? Who? Who?!

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: (Whispers to attorney)

SAUL GOODMAN: Mr. Chairman, my client would like to bring in a German shorthaired pointer to assist him. As a pug, his breeding is not ideal for the task at hand. Plus, as any visitor who has tried to leave his compound only to be blocked by a barking ayatollah has found, he has a flair for the dramatic.

REP. KING: Fine, just get on with it.

A file photo of Bennie the Pointer
practicing his technique.

BENNIE THE POINTER: [Joins the ayatollah at his table after being sworn in. The two greet one another with a typical canine sniffing ritual.]

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: Ladies and gentlemen of Congress, there is a man in this room who is a longtime supporter of a group that has been blamed in the deaths of hundreds of civilians and soldiers allied with the U.S. The group also killed an American in a car bombing outside a department store. Many of the victims of this group were shot because of their Christian faith. This terrorist sympathizer has rationalized his support for the group, arguing that its political aims made civilian deaths acceptable. Bennie, if you would ...

BENNIE THE POINTER: [Stands on the table, raises his paw and points his nose in the direction of Rep. King.]

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: That man, of course, is Rep. King, the chairman of this committee. But you all already knew that. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to be going. Unlike the members of Congress, I don't wish to waste any more of my time.

Mugsy testifies before Congress

The following is a transcript, provided by the Library of Congress, of Mugsy's testimony Thursday before the House Homeland Security Committee. He was subpoenaed to testify by Rep. Peter King, the New York Republican who organized the hearing on "Muslim-American radicalization." Mugsy's comments are translated to English.

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen of Salem, er, Washington. I assume that you must have had a good reason for rousing me from my nap, given the many challenges facing this country. How may I help you today?

Rep. Peter King, R-N.Y., tenses up
at the sight of an elderly woman
in a hijab.

REP. KING: Please state your name, age and occupation.

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: I am Mugsy, supreme ayatollah of Pug Life Ministries. I am 9 years old.

REP. KING: And you're a ... a dog, correct?

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: That is correct, Sen. McCar, er, Rep. King.

REP. KING: Before we get down to business, would you like to make any statements?

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: My lawyer advised me to cooperate fully with your inquisition, er, investigation. It is my understanding that you believe you are investigating some sort of existential threat to the United States of America, perhaps some kind of fluoridation plot? I confess that I am fuzzy on the details. But I want to make it known that I stand ready to refute any charges against me. And if it becomes necessary, I am fully capable of floating in a tub of water for prolonged periods of time to disprove any accusations of witchcraft. But let the record show that I am not a fan of bathtime and would strongly prefer to avoid such an outcome.

REP. KING: Duly noted. Mr. Mugsy, it says here that you are a self-avowed "terrierist." Is this true? And if so, please explain yourself.

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: Yes, I am fond of all terriers. Especially Bostons. What could be more American than that?

REP. KING: Now wait just a minute! Terrierism is a serious issue ...

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: Mr. Chairman, you can't actually spell, can you?

REP. YVETTE CLARK: Um, perhaps we shouldn't stray off course here. This hearing is embarrassing enough to the House as it is. 

To be continued ...

Ministry fundraiser

Ladies of the congregation, dig deep into your purses and pocketbooks. What kind of dowry would you offer for such a handsome pug? True, young Wendell isn't much of a provider, and he may well steal the food off your plate. But at the same time, he will surely steal your heart. 


Please submit your sealed bids by next Monday. Up to four winners may be selected.