Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Mugsy issues fatwa

Evil must be condemned, my flock. Regardless of the consequences or any personal discomfort, we must speak out against it. To do otherwise would be tantamount to acceptance. And by meekly accepting evil, we perpetuate it. So although I run the risk of angering the world's retailers and haberdashers, I feel that they have left me no choice but to issue a fatwa! I hereby condemn, in the strongest terms possible, the packaging of men's dress shirts. 

Anyone who has ever shopped for a button-up shirt has surely been astounded by the depths of depravity to which clothing-makers sink. The shirt is tightly folded into an awkward rectangle. Cold plastic is tucked away on both sides of the collar. Numerous bits of cardboard and paper hide in the shirt's crevices. And worst of all, an array of plastic and metal clips join forces with eight dozen razor-sharp pins to pinch every bit of stray fabric together. This turns the simple act of trying on a new shirt into a half-hour production. The pointless display must be painstakingly disassembled, creating a pile of environmentally unfriendly waste and filling the blood-stained department store pincushion to the breaking point. Once freed from its bindings, the shirt is covered in rectangular creases that are likely to survive the garment's first washing and beyond; only heavy-duty ironing can undo the madness of man. And woe be upon the poor sap who has to reassemble and reshelve this ungodly puzzle after I decide I don't like the way the shirt fits.

So let it be known throughout the land that I strictly forbid this practice to continue. Under the terms of this fatwa, shirts must now be allowed to hang freely on a rack. I will tolerate the plastic in the collar, which seems to be the only part of this display method with any purpose, but the pins and needles and cardboard and paper must go -- and they must go now! They serve only to torture male clothes-buyers, raise the material cost of the shirts, leave unsightly holes and wrinkles in the fabric, litter our landfills, and destroy our precious trees before I and other well-meaning canines have had a chance to mark them.  What a waste. What an evil, evil waste. 


Anonymous said...

Very appropriate for earth day!

Anonymous said...

... wow. i never realize a shirt could send an intellectual ayatollah as yourself into a frenzy.
Must now resign from Nordstrom so as not to catch the wrath of a pug ... Z

ps unless you want some samples of ed hardys :-) let me know your size

Lucy said...

I'm with you on this one. A well dressed pug should be able to saunter into a store and buy a fine shirt and wear it immediately, the crease thing means it is out of action for at least a week.

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

Thank you, Anonymous One. I thought so, too.

You are permitted to keep your job, Z. But I urge you to bring this fatwa to the attention of the corporate higher-ups. It is difficult enough to find a shirt that fits my stocky yet chiseled physique; who wants to spend 10 minutes pulling out pins?

Amen, Lucy. This is why I try to shop in the toddler section whenever possible.

LemonySarah said...

Let's hope your new stitch-covering tee shirt comes in simpler packaging.

Though I think a cone would serve you well as a megaphone, aiding you in spreading your word.

Marina said...

I hate it as well, Mugsy. I feel bad actually that I'm making one of my brothers or friends go through the pain of pin-pricking when I buy them shirts.

While you're at it, could you issue a fatwa for equal prices for petites, regular, and plus sizes? Honestly: Is two inches of fabric or two inches less worth $9.00 extra? I don't think so.

Thanks in advance for your help!

Ayatollah Mugsy said...

My shirts are generally hand-me-downs from mother, Sarah, so there's no problem.

I will look into this disturbing report, Marina. Are you telling me that petite items cost more than "regular" sizes? This is madness! What about the Chihuahuas?!?! Next you will tell me that thong underpants cost more than "granny panties." Thank you for bringing this problem to my attention.