Saturday, December 31, 2011

Mugsy is getting a sister

A few years ago, I sent mother out with one mission: Bring me a little sister to play with. She returned, instead, with Wendell. After giving mother a detailed and sometimes awkward biology lesson, I gave up on my wish for a sister and instead began to tutor young Wendell, hoping to mold him in my image. As anyone who has met the now 4-year-old perpetual puppy knows, this did not work. Yet despite our differences, we get along famously, in part because he keeps my wrinkles and ears squeaky clean.

That initial sister request was in 2007. And now, as 2011 draws to an end, I am finally close to having my wish granted. For mother and father are expecting their first child of the two-legged, nonfurry variety. It is my preference that she arrive this evening, in time for the 2011 tax year. But the odds of this baby dropping before the New Year's Eve ball in Times Square seem slim. Still, we expect to greet her soon and are excited about her imminent arrival.

I've neglected this blog in recent months, in part because I was building up the ministry's diaper fund, preparing the nursery and attending a grueling multi-hour baby class that was clearly intended to make the mother's labor seem pain-free by comparison. Also, I am now nearly deaf, so I sometimes don't hear father when he calls me for blog time. (Fear not; due to my frequent proximity to the food bowl, I never miss a meal.)

But in the New Year, I resolve to impart more of my teachings to this world that so desperately needs them. And perhaps, God willing, some parenting tips from the ayatollah. 

Happy New Year, my flock. 

Saturday, December 03, 2011

Today in pug science

THE EXPERIMENT: Attach a delicious stick of rawhide to several helium-filled balloons and see what happens. 

PRACTICAL APPLICATIONS: We hypothesized that this research could lead to advances in pug aerospace, possibly boosting our efforts to capture the moon's vast hidden cache of green cheese. It could open up new avenues for safe rawhide storage. And it could further pug meteorological research, thus aiding our efforts to combat the scourge of wet fur. 


THE REACTION: "Seriously!?!?"

THE CONTROL: When conducting a scientific experiment, it is necessary to have a control group. In this experiment, we wanted to study the effect of the balloons on the pug and rawhide. Thus, we needed to examine a pug chewing rawhide without any helium-filled balloons. Mugsy graciously volunteered.

EARLY RESULTS: Frustration, mostly.

LONG-TERM RESULTS: Victory for Wendell! Allahu akbar!

OBSERVATIONS: Once the subject gained control of the rawhide and realized that it was capable of escaping his grasp, he chewed with great vigor, unwilling to let the rawhide go. However, study of the control subject Mugsy revealed similar behavior.

CONCLUSION: Since the subject did not take flight as hypothesized, further study will be required. Next time, we recommend doubling the balloon supply. And in the meantime, to promote greater airworthiness, it may be worthwhile to divert Wendell's share of Milkbones and other snacks to the ayatollah.