Flush with anger

The recent allegations of Quran abuse by U.S. soldiers at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba -- if true -- indicate an indefensible violation of Sharia law. There have been unconfirmed reports that U.S. soldiers flushed a Quran down a toilet and that one soldier even attempted to mark the Holy Book as his territory. But we must not jump to conclusions. I propose the appointment of an impartial panel to investigate these serious allegations. The panel would consist of myself, U.S. Rep. Nancy Pelosi of California and the late civil-rights attorney Johnnie Cochran. The three of us shall get to the bottom of this, God willing.

Ayatollahs in the news

Several Americans who were held hostage for 444 days in Iran a quarter-century ago say that Iran's president-elect, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, was one of their captors. Said former hostage Chuck Scott, a retired Army colonel who lives in Jonesboro, Ga.: "You could make him a blond and shave his whiskers, put him in a zoot suit and I'd still spot him." For the record, I was nowhere near Iran in 1979-1980.

Shelby ... I long for you

Here I am, stumbling out of bed after another nearly sleepless night. I can't erase the thoughts of her from my mind. Though we are miles apart, I can still feel her thunderous bark. Those muscular yet feminine haunches. Those piercing brown eyes. That closely cropped tail. Shelby, you are more to me than a mere harem dog, though you would make an exquisite addition to my stable of bitches. Someday, my Rottweiler princess, I will make you one of my wives.

Hollywood pugs

The latest issue of Rolling Stone magazine reveals that actress Jessica Alba is the caretaker of two pugs, Sid and Nancy. May Allah bless the lovely Ms. Alba with a long life and a successful career.

Rawhide: Is it halaal?

Among the questions that I am most frequently asked is, "Is it acceptable to chew on rawhide?" In other words, is rawhide halaal? Many of the dogs in my ministry desire to be good Muslims. And so they wonder if it is all right to give in to the temptations of the leathery flesh. Before I get to the answer, let me briefly explain what is meant by the term halaal. In the Quran, it is written, "People of Imaan! Eat of the pure things that We have provided for you, and be grateful to Allah." These pure things are halaal -- lawful under Islamic law. Islamic law also gives clear guidance on which foods are haraam, or unlawful. Pork and pork products are forbidden for all good Muslims. Fortunately, rawhide is almost always made from cattle, which is permissible -- and delicious. And as long as you do not buy from Petco, the rawhide should have been slaughtered by a Muslim, completing the second requirement for halaal food. So, rawhide fans, simply check the label and chow down.

And so it begins

Four score and seven days ago, I founded Pug Life Ministries. Our goal: To minister to those in need, to save lost souls, to provide charitable services to those beset by misfortune, and to raise vast sums of money. Now, in order to reach a wider audience, I take Pug Life to the blogosphere. I hope you will give me an opportunity to enlighten your mind while lightening your wallet. Remember, it's for a good cause. I intend to be a beacon in your otherwise dreary existence. I will share my thoughts on theology, morality, politics, culture, art and rawhide. If you have questions, I will provide answers. In short, this blog will be your one-stop shop for knowledge and enlightenment. Visit this site regularly, and you will have a happy life. A Pug Life. Allahu Akbar!