Mugsy and Wendell go to see Interpol

I took my little brother to his first music show last night. As we queued to enter the Palladium Ballroom, Wendell was upset when he was told he had to go through a separate line. "Why?" he barked. "Because you're under 21 in dog years," the usher barked back. As a bracelet was fitted above his paw, I explained to Wendell that he would not be missing out on anything. "The sin of alcohol is far greater than the benefit," I told him.

"How do you know this?" he asked.

"It is written in the Quran, my brother," I replied. "You have much to learn."

Once inside, I approached the bartender. "We would like two waters -- in bowls," I barked. The bartender appeared perplexed. "Ahem, down here!" I barked. "Oh, sorry, Your Holiness," he stammered, leaning over the bar. "Two water bowls coming right up -- on the house."

A lesson for Wendell

After awakening from our mid-morning naps, Wendell and I ventured outside to enjoy the nice weather. The Texas summer's cruel heat has finally begun to fade in recent weeks. As my sleepy brother wobbled around the back yard, he spied a butterfly perched upon a blade of grass. Wendell looked at me quizzically. Then he lunged at the butterfly, which flew above his head, taunting the pup. His mouth agape, Wendell made a few more futile efforts. "Wendell," I barked, "leave that butterfly alone. Allah's creatures deserve our respect and should not be attacked without cause." Then I reconsidered my words. "Except junebugs, of course. They are delicious. And oh so crunchy."

Life is good

There is cause for celebration, my flock. My two favored football teams, the Oklahoma Sooners and the Dallas Cowboys, both remain undefeated. And they have looked impressive in reaching their perfect records. Even more exciting, my toothy little pugbrother appears to finally be learning that my nether regions are not synonymous with a chewstick. Praise be to Allah and Bitter Apple!

Mystery solved

Assalamu alaikum, my flock. I would like you to meet my new little brother, Wendell. Like me, he is a pug. But he is black, and I am fawn, so hopefully my parents will not get us mixed up (I think my food portions are bigger). I must admit that young Wendell came as a surprise; mother didn't even appear to be showing. In fact, I had come to suspect the worst after analyzing the clues gathered by Sherlock Bones regarding my parents' recent odd behavior.

Sherlock found a series of suspicious photos on mother's camera that, combined with her unusual cellphone record and ATM withdrawals, led me to suspect her of infidelity. But just as I was about to call father and tell him that I believed mother was seeing a younger man -- a much younger man -- mother walked in the door clutching little Wendell. "Ayatollah," she said, "meet your new brother!"

I took to him immediately, my tail wagging like the windshield wipers set on high. I am looking forward to taking Wendell under my wing and teaching him the tricks of the pug trade -- notably the vaunted "pugtona," our distinctive circular sprinting technique. He must also learn to boost his snore volume and speak with a gruff, pleasing-to-the-ear bark. But there will be plenty of time for that later. The excitement at the ayatollah compound has proven exhausting, so for now, we shall nap.

Time for a timeshare

While poring over mother's phone records this afternoon, I received a call from my good friend Rabbi Jake. Jake is always on the lookout for innovative business practices that might benefit the ministry, and he came across a rather interesting strategy. It seems that a synagogue in Florida has begun a so-called torah timeshare. For a one-time donation of $1,800, congregants can host the sacred text in their homes for one week a year. Rabbi Jake was understandably excited about the possibilities. And let me tell you, my flock, Jake doesn't get excited about much these days. After our conversation ended, I began to ponder ways to translate this timeshare tactic to my own congregation. At first, I considered offering up a prized piece of rawhide. But there are some items for which no price tag will suffice; I simply cannot go without my rawhide. Then my thoughts turned to another item -- an artifact of great significance to the ministry.

As you may recall, I have reached many an epiphany while suckling my monkey toe. The foot of the stuffed primate sent my mind into a calm, zenlike state of pure concentration. The idea of the ministry's recent telethon, for example, was hatched during one of my marathon toe-nursing sessions. Unfortunately, the foot was not built to offer unlimited inspiration. Last week, during a particularly vigorous meditative session, the foot came clean off. And since my parents won't let me have access to so small an artifact anyway -- a choking hazard, they call it -- it seems like the perfect offering for the ministry's first timeshare program. So for the low, low price of $1,800 a week, you can welcome the sacred, saliva-caked monkey foot into your home. You can seat it next to you at the dinner table. You can place it beside your children as they do their homework. You can even put it in your pocket as a good-luck charm in that important job interview. Yes, my flock, this fuzzy foot, despite being severed from its onetime monkey owner, still possesses great power. Bring that power into your home today.

For inquiries, e-mail ayatollahmugsy@gmail.com. And remember, only 52 spots are available, so don't delay.

Clues emerge

I met today with Sherlock Bones, who has been furiously sniffing out clues. While looking through my parents' bank statements, he found a mysterious ATM transaction in White Settlement. To those unfamiliar with North Texas, that is the actual name of a town near Fort Worth. As far as I know, my parents would have no reason to go anywhere near White Settlement. This is most vexing, my flock. Most vexing, indeed.

Even more disconcerting, Sherlock Bones tracked down my mother's cell phone records and found a series of mysterious calls. We are working now to identify the recipients of these calls and will return with any information we find so that the congregation can analyze the data. Pray for Sherlock Bones' success ...

Mystery at the compound

I can't quite put my paw on it, but something strange is afoot at the ayatollah compound. My parents seem to be up to some sort of shenanigans, and I suspect that we are in for a major change. Yet they have been mysteriously tight-lipped. Are they preparing a surprise feast for me? Will they be quitting their jobs and moving me to an Italian villa better befitting my status as the world's foremost canine religious authority? Or perhaps their motives are more sinister -- could they be plotting against the ministry? I don't want to jump to conclusions, but their behavior is beginning to worry me. Secrets are meant to be the ayatollah's domain only. So I have called in a private investigator to get to the bottom of this. Godspeed, Sherlock Bones.

I have a dream

Where there's a will ...

In life, hotel magnate Leona Helmsley was reviled as the "Queen of Mean." Yet in death, we find that she couldn't have been all bad. She did care enough about her dog, Trouble, to leave her $12 million and an eternal resting place in a mausoleum fit for an ayatollah. Some scoff at such a sum. Some find it deplorable that her canine received more cash than two of her grandchildren, to say nothing of the other two who received nothing at all. But I find her gift to her beloved Maltese to be commendable. In fact, I urge you all to rewrite your wills right now -- before it's too late -- specifying a sizable bequest for the ministry. In this way, you can help all canines of faith.

My mother was among those who suggested that $12 million was too much to leave to a dog, which instantly raised my eyebrow. I pray that she misspoke. But father answered that if he were a billionaire, he would absolutely leave behind millions for the care of his only furry son. Then again, father also said that he would build a gleaming Dogloo mosque for all the world's successive generations to marvel at. So in addition to being a true pug patriot, he is one who would be known, under a best-case scenario, as an eccentric.

But enough about my family; I don't want to stray too far from the subject at hand. If you'll excuse me, I have a date with an heiress to arrange.

Alleged bathroom misconduct explained

Rumors are swirling about a recent incident, so I would like to set the record straight. I do not believe that any rules were broken during my recent visit to the compound's bathroom. Furthermore, my actions should not be construed as representing any kind of "signal." I was simply engaging in wholesome, everyday pug activities. Under the ministry's bylaws, all items left in "the pug zone" are fair game. So I make no apologies for retrieving that cardboard tube from the trash can and eating it.

Last chance

History has been made, my flock. The first-ever item offered for sale by the ministry on eBay has been sold. And the buyer, whose user name includes the word "gecko," presents an intriguing case. Could this be my long-lost lizard friend Gordon? Is he reaching out to me? Maybe he is a successful stock broker in New York now, and he wants to give back to the ministry that befriended him and allowed him to stay in its garage. Or perhaps the buyer is simply a human with impeccable taste in interior decorating.

Whatever the case, you should know that only one item remains. And its auction time is fleeting. In less than 24 hours, this rare poster will be sold to the highest bidder. Do not subject yourself to pangs of bitter jealousy, my flock; be that highest bidder.

To visit the lone remaining Pug Life auction, which is currently insanely underpriced, click here.

Mugsy fulfills meme responsibilities

I have been tagged by Titanium Girl to share eight things that others might not know about me. And as a blog-law-abiding pug, I will now fulfill my duties by completing this meme assignment. Here are the rules:

People who are tagged need to write these rules in their
own blogs & share eight things about themselves that others might not know. At the end of their blog post, they need to tag six people and list their (blog) names. Leave a comment on the blogs of the people they’ve chosen telling them they’ve been tagged and encouraging them to come over and read the eight things you’ve written on your blog.

1. I was neutered on the morning of Sept. 11, 2001. It is a date which, for me, will forever live in double infamy.

2. I can leg-press 8,000 pounds. With one leg.

3. I experience a phenomenon that my parents call my "outside smell." It is, as it sounds, a distinctly canine aroma that I pick up after I have spent some time outside. After a few minutes in the compound, it disappears.

4. I enjoy visiting museum gift shops, sometimes more than the museums themselves.

5. I have dabbled in alchemy. Thus far, I have not had success. But I remain optimistic.

6. I love to travel, and I wish that more Americans would take an interest in learning about the world around them instead of just mindlessly repeating jingoistic axioms about this being the greatest country on Earth. I believe that people who express indignant anger over having to "press 1 for English" on the phone or at the ATM would change their tune if they ever found themselves struggling to use a Czech payphone or grateful that someone had stopped to offer directions in the Parisian subway. We are all Allah's creatures, regardless of the languages we speak.

7. For a short time in my puppyhood, I was engaged to Alyssa Milano.

8. Despite my reputation as an iron-pawed, hardline radical cleric, I am a world-class cuddler.


With my work here now complete, I tag the first six bloggers who leave a comment to continue the never-ending meme train. Allah be with you.

An open letter to Christiane Amanpour

Ms. Amanpour (if that is your real name),

When you asked me to appear on your four-part "God's Warriors" series on CNN, I was happy to oblige. Even though I was still recovering from surgery, I invited you into my compound. I showed you priceless religious artifacts. I even let you drink from my water bowl.

And after all this hospitality, what did I find? A hatchet job on national television. You accused the Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF) of committing war crimes against chew toys, yet you know that we canines are not signatories to the Geneva Convention. You portrayed Pug Life as some sort of radical fascist cult, even though I told you explicitly not to bring up such aspects of the ministry. And I gave you my Pug Manifesto expecting that you would read it word for word on the air, yet you made no mention of the document. Am I to believe that a 5,000-page manifesto slipped your mind? And do you know how much it cost to print that on the nice paper at Kinko's? Shame on you, Ms. Amanpour. Shame on you.

Your portrayal of canine Islam, while technically accurate, does not represent the public image that Pug Life Ministries seeks to cultivate. So do not expect my cooperation or courtesy in the future.

Sincerely,

Mugsy

Supreme Ayatollah

Pug Life Ministries

Second poster available

I have just returned from the pet clinic, where my veterinarian removed my stitches and pronounced me a "wild dog." Praise Allah! All is well in that regard. And all is well at the ministry's eBay sale, too. Upon seeing the interest generated by the ongoing auction, our artist friend from ObeyThePureBreed.com has donated a second poster to the ministry.

This is, to my knowledge, the final such masterpiece that the ministry will be auctioning off. Because of the early interest generated by the first poster, this new item will have a much shorter auction period. So anyone interested in owning a piece of history, blessed by yours truly, should act quickly and visit one of our two auctions via the links below.

AUCTION ONE

AUCTION TWO

And to ease any concerns among potential buyers, it should be noted that I blessed these two posters through the Internet. Thus, they are undamaged by the sneeze particles that generally accompany my blessing.

Don't believe everything you read

UNITED NATIONS (AP) -- Investigators with the International Atomic Energy Agency have been stymied in their efforts to look into the alleged disappearance of a large quantity of enriched rawhide, officials say.

One high-level investigator, speaking on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the situation, said the apparent theft occurred in recent weeks at Pug Life Ministries' secretive compound in Texas.

"We hear that something went down at the Pug Life Telethon," the investigator said, referring to a recent fundraiser. "But unless those dogs cooperate, there's nothing the IAEA can do. At present time, we can't even get them to shake hands."

Sources inside the ministry, which is led by firebrand cleric Ayatollah Mugsy, refused to comment.

The ministry, described by some U.S. officials as a dangerous secessionist canine movement, has refused to cooperate with the U.N. in the past, with its enigmatic leader openly feuding with the IAEA.

Mugsy addresses the world's women

I apologize for any unexpected lightheadedness, shortness of breath or hysteria I may have caused with the recent photo of my Hasselhoff-esqe barrel chest. In the future, I will be sure to precede such images with a warning.

Too sexy for my shirt?

I have been pleased with the interest shown in the ministry's poster auction, my flock. The earnings are urgently needed and will be put to good use, as I have recently been forced to order a new batch of smelling salts for the harem. The sight of my ultra-manly chest fur billowing out of my T-shirt has, understandably, caused many a lady to swoon.

The gift unveiled

Yesterday, I told you in the most mysterious way possible of a major donation to the ministry. Today, I am here to reveal the details of what is, quite possibly, the most significant gift in the history of Pug Life Ministries.

Kevin McCormick, artist extraordinaire and a longtime friend of Pug Life, was deeply moved by the ministry's recent telethon. So great was his fervor that this master artisan saw fit to donate a priceless piece of propaganda poster art to the ministry. And rather than hang this masterpiece in one of the ministry's mosques or churches, where it could be enjoyed by the masses, we have decided to take the Capitalist Pug approach. (In truth, our present lack of any actual religious facilities may have played a role in this decision.)

So this limited edition, signed and numbered, hand-silkscreened, ayatollah-blessed print could be yours. For further details, I urge you to read my first-ever listing on eBay.

Let us all thank Kevin for his generosity, and then let us all dig deep into our wallets and engage in a frenzied bidding war against one another. Allahu akbar!

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE EBAY LISTING

Exciting news

I have just received word of a major donation to the ministry. A benefactor, moved by the stunning spirituality and star-studded entertainment on display at the recent Pug Life Telethon, wants to open the well of generosity in a way that will benefit not only the ministry, but also you, dear readers. Stay tuned for more details and a formal announcement.

A sight to behold

The vet says I should be limited to "low activity" while I recuperate from my surgery. Apparently, my customary 16 hours of daily sleep is no longer enough. So I've cut back on ministry activities for the time being, and I'm trying to take it easy. I was recently leisurely surfing the Internet when I made an astonishing discovery on Pancho the Mutt's blog. Look at the size of this hole in the ground:

Isn't that amazing? Just imagine how many bones we could bury in that! God willing, I will annex this land for Pugistan so that no tasty morsel shall go unhidden. To learn more about this Siberian marvel, click here.

Mugsy's surgery a success

I am in recovery, my flock. I went under the knife yesterday for some surgery to remove a small growth on my side. I had not previously disclosed this information to the congregation because, like my bout with Lyme disease last year, it just never came up. The operation left me groggy and with little appetite, but I am beginning to return to normal today, after a good night's sleep. To keep me from scratching at my stitches, mother followed the well-trained vet's advice and put one of her T-shirts on me. I understand that this is for my own good, but it simply is not proper for an ayatollah to cross-dress. Why, oh why, couldn't father have been more petite?

TELETHON: Disaster strikes

Bella, no! Bad girl! Bad girl! Get away from the Pointer Sisters!

Oh, dear. I'm afraid we're going to have to wrap the telethon up early. I have to get Tom Petty to the hospital at once. Pray for him. And thank you all for attending.

TELETHON: The Bella-rina

Bella would now like to perform an interpretive ballet dance for the congregation. Isn't her outfit lovely? It is so gratifying to see that little Bella has finally turned the corner. At last, her days of mayhem are behind her. So here she is performing Swan Lake, with accompaniment by the Dallas Symphony Orchestra.

TELETHON: Mugsy returns

Wasn't that touching, my flock? At last, Sister Bella is redeemed. And she has informed me that she would like to perform for the congregation later to do her part for the telethon. If Bella's one-time heart of darkness can be saved, there is surely hope for us all. Thank you for your strength and courage, Sister Bella. And thank you for that 67 cents.

TELETHON: A papal audience

Hello, children of Pug Life. This is Pope Pius Pug. I am pleased to be able to join you today for this most momentous occasion. Today, I would like to speak to you about forgiveness. In Mark 11:25, it says, "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." So today, I want to make public a forgiveness that I made in my heart long ago.

As some of you may recall, I was brutally slain by a demon-possessed Chihuahua. Were it not for the resurrectory powers of Brother Mugsy, my beloved friend and business partner, I would not be barking before you now. Though some might hold a grudge after such a vicious attack, I quickly forgave Bella the Chihuahua. She knew not what she did. And now, after witnessing the progress that she has made since her exorcism, I am ready to welcome her back into the fold. Yes, the onetime outcast Mexican bandito will be retaking the habit and rejoining the Pug Life nunnery as Sister Bella.

Let this story of forgiveness and redemption fill your hearts as you dig deep into your wallets to purchase some goods from the Vatican Gift Shop. All proceeds will go directly to the Pug Life Telethon fund, which currently stands at 67 cents. That is just $99,999,999.33 short of today's goal. Remember: Every little bit helps; every big bit helps more.

TELETHON: Special announcement

In a few moments, I will be turning the lectern over to my good friend and business associate Pope Pius Pug. I have heard from more than a few conspiracy theorists that the pontiff and I never seem to appear in the same place at the same time, so I was thrilled when he accepted my invitation to appear at the telethon today. At last, we could put some silly rumors to rest. Unfortunately, the pope's travel plans hit a snag, and he was unable to leave the Vatican. So he will be joining us via satellite. During this time, I will be out on my daily constitutional, making sure all the neighborhood mailboxes are properly marked. So please give the pope a warm welcome when he arrives.

TELETHON: Another convert

Though most of you have been unable to watch all the day's events live on TV, a fortunate few have been able to tune in. This pug, who lives two houses down and has a massive antenna on his roof, was overcome by the Holy Spirit while watching Pug Life's unicycle-riding poodle squad perform live from the dog park.

TELETHON: The phone bank

Fielding all these telethon phone calls is starting to wear me out. But I will not rest until the money stops flowing.

TELETHON: All-star duet

Direct from Down Under, please welcome platinum-selling recording artist Olivia Newton-John as she teams up with the incomparable Louie the Pug. This is a duet for the ages, my flock. Be sure to crank up the volume, because you canines will love this one. Let's get physical!

TELETHON: 'Mugsy's Kids'

How about those Rockettes, everyone? Don't they look mah-velous? This is Billy Crystal, the ayatollah's co-emcee for this fine, fine event. Let me tell you, when Mugsy called me up and told me about this telethon, I dropped everything. "When Harry Met Sally: Part 2" -- the ink was already dry on the contract. "Sorry," I told the producers. The movie is going to have to wait. This telethon is too important, this cause too great to ignore. Pug Life is more than just an interfaith, interspecies ministry. Its charitable works touch all facets of society. So now, let's talk about one of them. I have here with me Timmy Hesterberger, an 11-year-old who's spent the last few weeks at Ayatollah Mugsy's Youth Indoctrination Camp.

Billy: Hi, Timmy. How are you today?

Timmy: Good, sir.

Billy: Good, good ... I've often heard you campers referred to as "Mugsy's Kids," but it's my understanding that the ayatollah was neutered back in '01. How is this possible?

Timmy: The phrase shouldn't be taken literally, sir.

Billy: Oh, right. OK, well tell me, Timmy, what kinds of things have you learned at Mugsy's youth camp?

Timmy: Discipline. Respect. Physical and mental toughness. Subservience to the superior canine race. Proper technique for sneaking human food under the table.

Billy: Wow, sounds like you've been busy! And the funding for the camp, that all comes from donors, right? People who click on that PayPal link on the right side of the page?

Timmy: A small portion, sir. The rest comes from our large tuition payments and our work in the forced labor cam ...

Billy: OK! Thank you, Timmy, for that informative conversation. Isn't he a great kid, folks? Let's all give him a hand!