Holiday gift guide

Hey, everybody. It's me, Wendell. Mugsy put me in charge of the ministry after a recent surgery, though he's going in tomorrow to get his stitches taken out, so he'll be back at the helm soon. I'll be the first to admit that I haven't done a great job filling in as blogger-in-chief -- I've been a little distracted from posting by my newfound howling abilities. Rumor has it that there's even a video floating around of an ayatollah family howl-a-thon, so that may surface at some point if there's enough interest. You may have also heard a rumor that I've been cast as a werewolf in the next Twilight movie, but the screeching girls in "Team Wendell" should know that no contract has been signed as of yet -- though I am willing to show off my abs in exchange for a belly rub.

Anyway, I don't want Mugsy to be mad at me for my lack of blog posts, so I'm gonna try to make up for it now with a new feature, running all this week, that I like to call the Pug Life Ministries Holiday Gift Guide! I've scoured the Web for some of the finest canine-centric gifts so that you don't have to.

So let's get right to it -- here's the first installment!

HUMPING USB DOG

The gift: First off we have the Humping USB Dog, the ultimate gift for the techno-geek dog lover in your life. The 2.25-inch-tall dogs come in either boxer or beagle (and other breeds are pictured, so you may be able to find those if you shop around). Simply plug the amorous pooches into your computer and watch them go to town! These are perfect for both home and office use. And as the seller states, they do require USB power to get turned on.

Cost: $9.99 plus shipping

Where: thinkgeek.com

If you have any ideas for items to include in the gift guide, message Ayatollah Mugsy on Facebook or e-mail him at ayatollahmugsy@gmail.com.

What the?!?

I have witnessed a bizarre ritual in which mother, father and Wendell were all howling. I am preparing my exorcism kit, just in case ...

Mugsy condemns waiter

I arrived at the Mexican restaurant, ravenous. (True, this is my usual state, but on this evening, I was even hungrier than usual.) Mother and I sat down and waited. And waited. Our appointed waiter -- "Cody," if that is his real name -- didn't show up but instead stood behind the bar chatting with someone. Instead, the kindly hostess who'd seated us took our drink and food orders. Eventually, Cody brought us our food and said he'd now be taking care of us.

Later in the meal, Cody stopped to ask if there was anything we needed. "Can I have some more salsa?" I asked, my little bowl nearly empty. "Well, uh, that's salsa there," he said, pointing at a dish on mother's plate. "It just has some sour cream in it." I looked at Cody, dumbfounded, and then at mother's plate. First, I had not ordered a salsa-sour cream mixture -- I asked for a bowl of salsa. And second, what kind of infidel waiter tells someone to eat off his neighbor's plate? How does he know we're not mere acquaintances? Or on a business dinner? Or that one of us wasn't ill? Has Cody never heard of the swine flu epidemic?!?! I should report the infidel to the CDC as a public health hazard!

Now it's possible that Cody noted the familial resemblance between mother and I and assumed I wouldn't mind eating off her plate, but still, this kind of an assumption is strictly forbidden for a waiter who wants a good tip. And it got worse, my flock. Oh, yes, it got worse. The infidel Cody returned near the end of our meal with our check. "Would you like me to take your plate?" he asked mother. She consented, and he picked it up. Then he quickly reached over with his grubby little hands and grabbed my plate while it still had food on it. "I'm still eating!" I growled, pondering whether to take a chunk out of his forearm flesh with my razorlike teeth. "No," I told myself, "this waiter has already left enough of a bad taste in my mouth."

Cody, I condemn you in the strongest possible terms. Nobody takes food from the ayatollah -- just ask my little brother Wendell! All I can say is that Cody is fortunate that I let mother determine his tip.