Gone in a flash

I am worried about Gordon, the gecko friend I met early this month. For a while, he was a regular at the ayatollah compound -- either on the garage wall or on the outside of the garage door. I got to know Gordon, becoming his spiritual adviser. He was an eager student, and I bought him a tiny Quran to aid his studies. He began to talk about running away to Yemen to enroll in a madrassa, as I had done years earlier. "But Gordon," I said, "it is very hot there. Even hotter than Texas. I do not know if the Yemeni climate is suited to a Mediterranean gecko such as yourself." That was two weeks ago, and I have not seen him since. If anyone has any information on Gordon's whereabouts, please let me know. I pray for his safety.

Mega-dittos (whatever that means)

A recent story caught my eye. A broadcaster, who over the last two decades has built a media empire that nearly rivals my own, said something that was hard to believe. He criticized a man with Parkinson's disease for shaking. And not just any man; this was Michael J. Fox. The lovable Alex P. Keaton, Marty McFly. This statement was so outlandish -- and the ensuing "apology" so insincere -- that I had to investigate. The Armed Revolutionary Forces' intelligence wing pored over reams of data, analyzing facial movements, voice inflections, radio hiss. The ARF operatives then gave me a thorough presentation of their findings. And now, I am ready to release the results of this analysis.

No man -- regardless of how many illegal pain pills he was high on -- could be doltish enough to call Michael J. Fox "shameless" for displaying the symptoms of a disease he was diagnosed with 15 years ago. Rush Limbaugh must have been faking.

Wild child

I have been watching a fascinating documentary about feral children that I recorded from the Discovery Channel. It details the stories of several children who were raised by animals. I think I find this so interesting because I am a pug who has been raised by humans. In a sense, it is almost the same thing. So I have been doing some research to try to find an instance of a child being raised by pugs. I suspect that such a child would be, in many ways, more advanced than a typical human child. But so far, I have not found any such cases. I have been perusing this database, however, so I may yet stumble upon an instance of pug-raised children.

In the meantime, this documentary has set my normally subdued imagination into overdrive. I have many experiments that I wish to conduct on the feral-child phenomenon. Perhaps, God willing, I will try some of them out at the next meeting of the Ayatollah Mugsy Scouts.

Monumental find

EULESS, Texas (AP) -- Pilgrims from around the world descended upon a Texas park Monday to see what they believe is a sacred object -- a potato chip bearing the likeness of a canine religious leader.

Debbie Wilson, who discovered the chip, says it features an unmistakable image of Ayatollah Mugsy, her spiritual leader and the head of Pug Life Ministries.

"I was having a picnic Saturday," Wilson said, "and a chip fell out of my bag and onto my blanket. I looked down, and a ray of sunshine was illuminating that perfect image. It is so clearly the ayatollah. This is a sign from God; I just know it is."

Reluctant to move the chip, Wilson hired a security firm to watch it 24 hours a day.

Word spread quickly via Internet message boards, and by Sunday afternoon, the park was crowded with people and their pets clamoring to view the potato chip.

Euless police have been working overtime to manage the crowds and ensure the safety of the chip, whose brand name has not been revealed.

"This is a priceless item," said Euless Police Chief George Croft. "Imagine how they must have felt when they found the Dead Sea scrolls, or the Shroud of Turin. Then multiply that by a billion. I won't let any harm come to this chip. It will sit in that park until the ayatollah tells me to move it."

Ayatollah Mugsy declined to comment for this story, but a spokesman said the ministry was preparing to take control of the chip.

"This is an important artifact that seems to possess a message from Allah," said the spokesman, who asked to remain anonymous. "Mugsy wants it preserved for future generations to see, so I expect that it will be housed in a wing of the planned Dogloo Mosque -- unless GoldenPalace.com makes a suitable offer."

What bubble?

I apologize for the recent dearth of posts, my anxious flock. I have been working a lot of overtime at the mosque lately. This is good for the puggy bank, but not so good for the blog. You see, I am trying to save enough money to do some real estate investing.

Something fishy

At last the sun had gone down, bringing an end to the day's long, torturous fast. My mother and I went to a local Italian restaurant to celebrate. We go there occasionally, in spite of the fact that the big sign outside misspells "pizzeria." Once inside, we took our seats by the window and ordered a large pizza and some soft drinks. When my drink arrived, I noticed something unusual poking above the rim of the glass. Something that did not belong. I carefully fished out this piece of plastic, about an inch across. It was half black, half dirty-transparent. Thus began an inner dialogue in my well-wrinkled head.

"It is probably just a piece from an ice bag," one voice said. "It touches the ice anyway."

"Silence, fool!" my other voice boomed. "Only the inside of the bag would normally touch the ice. The outside is rolling around in the back of filthy trucks, being crawled upon by ungodly vermin and cockroaches. It is handled by countless grubby human hands before the ice reaches its destination. And now, that disgusting piece of plastic has contaminated your drink. Typhoid is probably just around the corner."

My other voice did not have a rebuttal. Just then, the waiter brought a fresh drink for my mother, who unlike me had been sipping her soda. I glanced down to see that the piece of plastic was no longer where I had left it on the corner of the table.

"What happened to that plastic?" I barked to my mother.

"Oh, I moved it," she said.

"Where did you put it?"

"I ... I don't know," she said nervously.

I gave her a long look. "You ate it, didn't you?" I queried. This she denied. "All right," I barked. "Where did you put it?"

She made a show of briefly fumbling through her pockets. "Oh, I don't know what I did with it," she said dismissively.

"I was thinking of asking the waiter for another drink," I said. "But you have apparently eaten the evidence."

"I did not," she said, averting her eyes.

The moral of the story is this, my flock: If you ever dine with my mother, watch her like a hawk.

Who can resist?

As a public service -- and to help perpetuate the canine race -- the ministry brings you this flier, originally posted at a California dog park. Click here for further details.

I humbly accept

I am honored to announce that The Ayatollah's Teachings has been named "Cool Dog Site of the Day" by Dogmark.net. I am very grateful for this honor, which is made all the more impressive by the fact that this is not a leap year. Yes, only 365 of the world's billions upon billions of Web sites will earn this distinction for 2006. I am humbled, even more so than usual.

This honor means we are eligible for the "Cool Dog Site of the Month" award as well, but voting for the October winner will not begin until next month. Don't worry; I will remind you to vote early and often. In the meantime, I endorse ARF Supreme Commander Brody the Bulldog as a worthy September champion.

Click here to visit Dogmark's "Cool Dog Site of the Day" page, where you can also see a list of previous winners and vote for monthly winners.

Thank you, Dogmark officials. May Allah ensure that your bellies are well-rubbed today, and may the sweet taste of rawhide never leave your mouths.

Put the pug down, and back away ...

Some of you may have already seen these disturbing photos. Fear not, my concerned flock. A rescue mission is in the works.

Pug-O-Ween approaches

Over the weekend, my thoughts turned to the leading social event of the year: Pug-O-Ween. Pug meetups and dog-park outings are wonderful, but Pug-O-Ween, well, that is on a whole other plane. Hundreds of brilliantly festooned pugs, all snorting as one in an Arlington gymnasium. The sound of labored breathing hangs heavy in the air, a never-ending symphony of short-snouted soulfulness. It is enough to bring a tear of joy to this ayatollah's eye.

So I put my team of tailors and artisans to work. Their task: Turn an outfit from the toddler aisle into a Pug-O-Ween costume befitting the world's foremost canine religious scholar. It is still a work-in-progress, with further cutting and sewing required. I pray that my garb will be ready in time.

A second open letter to Mark Foley

Mr. Foley,

No, I am not just "playing hard-to-get."

Sincerely,
Mugsy
Supreme Ayatollah
Pug Life Ministries

First the Longhorns, and now this ...

It seems that my travel plans have hit a snag. I have learned that the U.S. State Department has placed my name on the terrierist watch list. This is clearly in retaliation for Pug Life's ongoing rawhide enrichment program. As I type this, my attorney is working to clear my name. But what I really want to know is: When did it become a crime to be an advocate for the disenfranchised Jack Russells and Yorkies of the world?

An open letter to Mark Foley

Mr. Foley,

Please stop e-mailing me. I am not that kind of pug.

Sincerely,
Mugsy
Supreme Ayatollah
Pug Life Ministries

Wee wall-crawler

Look at this interesting little fellow I found crawling up my garage wall today. For the second time in this blog's history, we have an opportunity to play "Name That Dinosaur." Do any of the herpetologists of the congregation know what it is? It was about two and a half inches long. I think it may be a gecko, but it did not offer me a better rate on car insurance, so I cannot be certain.

I found my reaction to spotting this creature to be a bit strange. Had I spied a spider or a snake within the confines of the ayatollah compound, I would have immediately summoned my father. He would have then shrieked and called my mother in to kill the intruder. But what did I do when I saw this lizard? I fetched my camera. For some reason, I don't mind sharing my abode with this little creature. Perhaps I can get to know this lizard and minister to its spiritual needs.

A force to be reckoned with

A Pug Lifer in Fort Worth e-mailed me this review from Sunday's paper:

TEAM PUGFORCE WOWS AT BASS HALL

By HUGH PUGH
Star-Telegram Arts Critic

In an encore performance Saturday night, Team Pugforce lifted spirits as well as heavy weights at Bass Hall.

The group, which combines feats of strength with a dogged determination to spread the message of Pug Life Ministries, performed its second straight sold-out show before an adoring Fort Worth audience. The extra show was added after thousands of fans were turned away from Friday night's show.

Those lucky enough to gain admission Saturday witnessed an unparalleled display of physical strength. One member of Team Pugforce ripped a pair of phonebooks in half in one motion. Another lifted a Volkswagen Beetle over his head. Iron pipes were bent and cinderblocks were shattered as the touring sensations performed one stunt after another.

Although the human performers provided the muscle, the ministry's canines were clearly in command. Interspersed throughout the performance were testimonials from dogs who said the ministry had greatly improved -- and in some cases saved -- their lives. And about midway through the show, Pug Life's alpha dog took the stage to deafening applause.

Ayatollah Mugsy, the ministry's charismatic founder, called on all the faithful in attendance to live according to the tenets of canine Islam. He also made repeated references to his travel fund.

Throughout the evening, turbans criss-crossed the audience, passed by a troop of young Ayatollah Mugsy Scouts. As the turbans filled with money, the girls replaced them with fresh turbans and ran the offerings onstage to be poured into a massive puggybank. Atop the puggybank was a large yellow lightbulb, set to light up once the bank had been completely filled.

"Nobody is leaving this auditorium," Mugsy barked imperiously, "until that lightbulb is illuminated."

The ayatollah's words whipped the crowd into a frenzy of religious fervor, with many in attendance -- including this reviewer -- converting to canine Islam.

Great pugs in history

I was doing some reading in preparation for my upcoming trip, learning about the storied past of Rome, when I came across a startling historical tidbit. Did you know that Romulus and Remus, the twins thought to have founded the city some 2,700 years ago, were suckled by a she-pug?

Romeward bound

My tail is wagging with great vigor, my generous flock. I recently booked a trip to Rome. I will depart in about six weeks to see the Colosseum, the Pantheon, the Trevi Fountain, the relics of the Roman Forum and many other exciting sights. And, of course, I will visit my good friend Pope Pius Pug at the Vatican. There, we will finalize plans for the Dogloo compound, which will someday be mentioned alongside the previously mentioned architectural wonders. I am also considering taking some day trips to visit some other interesting places -- possibly Venice and/or Florence. Do any of the world travelers or Italians in the congregation have any advice on what to see and do in Italy?

As you may know, trans-Atlantic flights do not come cheap. Now, more than ever, the ministry needs your financial help. So I am officially launching the Send a Pug to Italy Telethon. Team Pugforce will perform at Bass Hall in Fort Worth tonight to kick off the festivities. I have also moved the Italy-centric PayPal icon from my little-visited (and little-updated) travel blog to this page. A full 100 percent of donations will go toward Mugsy's Travel Fund, a worthy cause if ever there was one. That is right -- no wasteful administrative expenses like the Red Cross.

Donations are probably not tax-deductible, but it is worth a shot. The odds of an audit are actually quite low.

Shades of Schwarzkopf

Because of overwhelming media demand, Supreme Commander Brody has agreed to hold a news conference. Among other topics, he will discuss the tactics employed to allow a four-dog team of commandos to defeat a cadre of more than 100 power-mad, visually impaired referees at the Doggonamo Bay detention facility. For details on Brody's ingenious "Mock and Paw" strategy, visit Bull by the Horns.

Mission accomplished

I have wonderful news to report, my friends. We have freed the hostages -- every last one of them. An elite four-dog ARF commando unit infiltrated the Eugene Animal Shelter before dawn today. The squad was led by Brody the Bulldog, supreme commander of the Armed Revolutionary Forces. Given his lofty title, Brody could have directed the operation from his airborne mobile command center. But because of the gravity of this situation and the deplorable conditions in which the detainees were being held, he opted to take a more paws-on approach. You have already seen some of the humiliating treatment to which the hostages were subjected, but we also had received reports of the use of a modified Kong from which no biscuit particles could be obtained. Because of this torture at the hands of the infidels, I decided that we would deal with the diplomatic ramifications later. These poor canines had to be rescued as soon as possible.

The ARF squad inserted into the theater of operations via the Willamette River, first using an inflatable raft and then dog-paddling the final 800 meters. Once ashore, the commandos stealthily made their way to the pound at the Doggonamo Bay facility. After burrowing under the razor-wire fence, this fearsome foursome slipped into the detention center unnoticed by the shadowy consortium of crooked Pac-10 referees and University of Oregon boosters who were holding our canine brothers captive. What happened inside the pound is classified information, but suffice it to say that the hostages are all now at home with their families. All are reported to be healthy and in good spirits. Before leaving, the commandos made sure to mark the territory for the canine nation. Never again will it be used for such evil purposes. Allahu akbar!

THE STRIKEFORCE

1. BRODY
Code name: Bro
Hometown: Los Angeles
Breed: Bulldog
Education: West Point
Specialties: Barking orders, biological weapons, blob-wrestling

2. WINSTON
Code name: Disco
Hometown: Austin
Breed: Pug
Education: U.S. Naval Academy
Specialties: Naval ops, disorienting foes with circular sprinting, medic

3. CLEVELAND
Code name: C Dizzle
Hometown: San Diego
Breed: Bulldog
Education: Harvard
Specialties: Covert ops, military policing, charm offensives

4. BRAXTON
Code name: Killer
Hometown: Los Angeles
Breed: Maltese
Education: Ayatollah Mugsy's Youth Indoctrination Camp
Specialties: Demolitions, paw-to-paw combat, heavy machine-gunner

They have gone too far

I have just received some photos that are startling to say the least. Look what those infidels have done to this member of the Portland Pug Jihad. For God's sakes, it is not even Pug-O-Ween. So help me, Allah, I will not stand for this. This blatant disregard for international law and canines' rights really gets my hackles up. These pugs will be returned to their families at once -- or else.

Mugsy addresses U.N.

UNITED NATIONS (The New York Times) -- In a move that sent shockwaves through the diplomatic community, civil rights activist Ayatollah Mugsy addressed the U.N. General Assembly on Thursday to call for the release of the so-called Oregon Five.

Barking via videophone, the leader of Pug Life Ministries struck a defiant tone in demanding the release of the five prisoners accused of being members of his Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF).

"These canines are not members of the ARF. I demand that they be released at once," the cleric said to the assembled delegates. "One way or another, they will be freed. Either you are with us or against us."

He described their detention at a Eugene, Ore., dog pound as a blatant violation of the Geneva Convention. Officials in Oregon contend they have broken up a coup plot and call the Oregon Five a danger to the community.

The General Assembly chamber was abuzz over the pug ayatollah's address. He first made news at the United Nations in April with his infamous shoe incident.

In his closing remarks, Ayatollah Mugsy told the Oregon officials to free the Oregon Five and let him take their place behind bars.

"I am the one you really want," he said.

Detainee crisis

After my briefing on this unfolding crisis, I settled down for a nine-hour nap. But I assure you that I am on top of the situation. Here is what we know so far: Five canines have been detained in Eugene, Ore., on charges of espionage, conspiracy and attempted kidnapping. Authorities have accused these dogs of being members of the Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF). I can say with certainty that this is not true. All ARF members are present and accounted for. Instead, we believe these canines are members of Portland Pug Jihad, a militant group known to follow my teachings. It appears that these canines were attempting to abduct the officiating crew from Saturday's Oklahoma-Oregon debacle in accordance with my latest fatwa. I have been in contact with Eugene Animal Control Services trying to negotiate the release of these canines. I will not rest -- with the exception of nap time, of course -- until these political prisoners have been freed.

Oregon authorities have ordered a crackdown on canine nationalism, so it is vitally important that we remain vigilant and take the necessary precautions. Keep an eye out for this man -- he is bad news. God willing, we will resolve this crisis through diplomatic means.

Breaking news

I have just received word of a possible canine hostage drama unfolding. I am on my way to a briefing with the Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF) to learn more. In the meantime, I am raising our alert level to chartreuse. Please make sure you have sufficient duct tape and rawhide to get you through the day. Further details to come ...

This changes everything

Greetings, my faithful flock. I come before you today with startling news. I recently received an e-mail from my online friend Kevin, who in addition to being a master propagandist is also an amateur naturalist and evolutionary biologist. While sifting through some of Charles Darwin's archives, he made an earth-shattering discovery. But more on that in a moment.

Here at Pug Life Ministries, we have long rejected Darwin's theory of evolution and natural selection. Instead, we have promoted the well-researched, widely accepted Intelligent Design theory. Intelligent Design holds that life is too complex to fathom and thus must be the product of an intelligent creator. But in contrast to creationism, Intelligent Design does not risk violating the constitutional separation of church and state. We can teach children in public schools about Intelligent Design because we leave up in the air just who that designer might be. It could be aliens, or a Frankenstein-esque scientist, or the Easter Bunny. I suppose it could even be Allah (wink, wink). For these reasons, Intelligent Design has been an ideal theory for the ministry to support. And the fact that we have the phrase copyrighted and receive 50 cents every time it appears in a textbook, well, that is just gravy on the Milkbone.

But despite my longtime adherence to Intelligent Design, I have to admit that Kevin's find has me reconsidering everything. I must warn you: What I am about to show you could shake your belief system to its very core. I debated whether to expose you to this most jarring information, but I finally decided that it would be wrong to deprive the world of knowledge of this incredible discovery. Has Kevin uncovered the missing link in this lost page from Darwin's notebook? You decide.

Mugsy issues fatwa

Today, we have witnessed a travesty of justice. Victory was plucked from the Sooners' hands by an officiating crew that is either incompetent or corrupt -- or both. To make a bad call on the field during a fast-paced play is understandable. The referees are only human, after all. To spend over five minutes reviewing the horrendous call with instant-replay and then say the call stands is inexcusable.

I hereby issue a fatwa calling for the capture of all members of Saturday's officiating crew. They are to be brought to me and tried before an Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF) military tribunal. And given the conclusive evidence on my DVR, I suspect it will be a short trial.

What I did tonight

Game day

I'm Sooner born,

and Sooner bred,

and when I die,

I'll be Sooner dead.

Those are lyrics from the University of Oklahoma's "Boomer Sooner" fight song, which contrary to popular perception has more than two words. And although my AKC papers say that I am a pure-breed pug, I am, in fact, Sooner bred as well. So I ventured to Norman, Okla., over the weekend to watch my beloved team vanquish the Washington Huskies. Allah blessed us with wonderful football weather. It was sunny and breezy, not too hot. The electric game-day atmosphere can be appreciated even by those who aren't big sports fans. The band plays. The crowd chants. The cheerleaders defy gravity. The Sooner Schooner (which my mother once hitched a ride on) races around the field after Sooner scores. And best of all on this day, the Sooners pulled away in the second half for a decisive 37-20 victory.

My parents raised me to be a Sooner pug, giving me my first OU collar when I was a young pup. Had I opted for a secular education -- rather than studying at madrassas in Pakistan and Yemen -- I would have probably attended OU. An English major, perhaps. So it was great fun to sniff around the South Oval and walk through Campus Corner. Perhaps, God willing, I will go back for another game before this season is over.

On Monday, after a weekend of celebrating the Sooner victory with Norman's own Rabbi Jake, I had a very important meeting -- one that could forever alter the course of Pug Life Ministries. Although it is not in my nature to be mysterious, that is all I can tell you at this time. Stay tuned ...

Your life is now complete

See? I told you what a vision of wonderment little Suri Cruise is. I did, however, neglect to mention her baby toupee.

Mugsy issues fatwa

I come before you today to address a most grievous problem. I can no longer stand by while our society crumbles around us. I can no longer tolerate this most vile, mildy insulting behavior. The restaurant hosts and hostesses of the world have left me no choice but to issue a fatwa! More and more I have noticed a common greeting whenever I go out to eat. And every time I hear this ubiquitous greeting, I bite my tongue. But no more! I understand that the hostess must choose a suitable table or booth. But it is altogether unnecessary to use the following phrase: "Just two?" Excuse me; just two? When I am going out with one of my ladyfriends, two is plenty. Exactly how big of an entourage must I bring to the restaurant before you will be satisfied? Yesterday, after my date and I were seated and ready to order our food, our waiter's first words were "just two?" Yes, Sherlock, way to go. You didn't even have to use your other eight fingers. Now stop passing judgment upon me for not dining with a massive dinner party. What happened to the days when a host would simply say, "Two?" This is nonjudgmental, non-insulting. It does not imply that I am somehow less of a pug for dining only with one date.

This "just" greeting is not limited to pairs. During a recent trip to dine with a couple of relatives, the hostess gathered a handful of menus and said, "Just three?" Are these people never satisfied? What, pray tell, is wrong with joining one or two friends for a meal?

Henceforth, it is forbidden for restaurant employees to use such belittling language. Those who defy this binding religious decree will face consequences most severe. Just say "no" to insulting your customers.

Mugsy declared fit for command

DALLAS (AP) -- Ayatollah Mugsy -- the cleric behind the world's largest interfaith, interspecies ministry -- was pronounced fit for command by his veterinarian after his annual physical exam on Saturday.

The ayatollah had his checkup at Dallas' world-renowned Pepper Square Pet Clinic. His veterinarian, who asked to be referred to as "Dr. P" for security reasons, said Mugsy appeared to be in excellent health.

She said his teeth were in fine condition, and the pigment in his eyes was unchanged from a year ago.

The mullah's weight was up slightly from a year ago, to 28 pounds. Dr. P said she was not concerned, and she attributed the increase to "one pound of rock-solid muscle."

Ayatollah Mugsy declined to comment, but an aide said the results of the checkup were great news for the faithful.

"The doctors once again have found the ayatollah fit for duty and have every reason to expect that he will remain so for the foreseeable future," said Ari Fleischer, Mugsy's press secretary.

Fleischer said the ayatollah was celebrating the good news by chewing on a large rawhide bone.

Beth Adams, a veterinary assistant at the clinic, said she was honored to be able to take part in the exam.

"Just being in his presence was a wonderful thing," she said. "I feel so much better about the future of planet Earth, knowing that His Holiness is healthy and able to lead us onward."

Visibly swooning, Adams also referred to the ayatollah as "a paragon of virility," despite his 2001 neutering.

Mugsy is the supreme ayatollah of Pug Life Ministries, a shadowy group that claims millions of dogs and humans as members, as well as several cats, a turtle, a donkey, a sock monkey and a rocking horse. The group lists among its goals the establishment of an autonomous pug homeland in the American Southwest. Some critics have called the ministry a cult and a for-profit enterprise, but they have seldom been seen or heard from again.