A note from Rabbi Jake

Rabbi Jake has informed me that he has canceled tonight's planned screening of the Lethal Weapon series for the youths of his synagogue.

Odd encounter

I attended a social function last night, hobnobbing with other canine clerics into the wee hours of the morning. As I returned home, about a 40-minute drive, those familiar pangs of hunger took hold. "Driver," I barked. "Let's pick up some food." So we stopped at Krystal, the best place in Dallas-Fort Worth to get tiny halaal burgers and chili cheese pups at 2:45 in the morning. The line at the drive-through was at least five cars long, so I chatted with my dates as we awaited our turn to order.

Then we heard the car in front of us honking, for no apparent reason. The man in the pickup truck in front of that car had just finished ordering, and he did not appear pleased to have been honked at. He stuck his head out the window and began to yell at the woman driving the car behind him. She leaned out her window and hollered back, motioning for the man to get out of her way. He refused. "I'm blocking you!" he yelled. "Whatcha gonna do about it, huh?" Each was trying to outdo the other in terms of belligerence. I considered exiting my vehicle to mediate this dispute, but since a Nobel Peace Prize seemed unlikely, I decided to let things play out.

Eventually, the truck moved up, and the woman in the car ordered her food. After my driver had ordered our meal, we pulled around to the side of the eatery, where the man in the pickup truck was getting his food. Again, the woman honked at him. The spiky-haired truck driver opened his door and leaned out, and the following exchange took place:

"What?!"
"What is that in your hair?!"
"It's product! Lots of product!"
"Oh, yeah?!"
"Yeah! Why don't you come up here and touch it!"
"No way!"
"Yeah, get up here and touch my product!"

God help these humans.

Bella's relapse

For months, Bella the Chihuahua has been undergoing rehabilitation exercises to cure her of her criminal tendencies. Using the Ludovico technique, we were able to make great progress. Her natural inclination to bite and growl and bare her teeth gradually faded. The Chihuahua who had terrorized the Mexican countryside was becoming a lady. But then, tragedy struck. On a recent walk around the neighborhood, Bella was attacked by a stray canine. Physically, she is fine. But this attack let loose the demons that had been suppressed deep within her soul. Bella's retaliation was swift and harsh. Her angry, incessant yelp returned -- a warning to all within earshot. At this very moment, Bella is seated on her couch, her head literally spinning on its axis in a way that Allah never intended. Pray for the former Sister Bella -- and for that poor pit bull attacker who incurred her wrath.

The puggybank beckons

It appears that my intense lobbying of Texas Gov. Rick Perry is working. On Tuesday, he spoke of tearing down the barriers that limit faith-based organizations' access to public funds. Can I sign up for direct deposit?

My kind of politician

Although Pug Life Ministries is primarily a religious movement, we also have political aims. The quest for universal canine suffrage is a key goal of Pug Life, as is the establishment of an autonomous pug homeland in the American Southwest (Pugistan). So I am always on the lookout for political candidates worthy of the Pug Life seal of approval. Until recently, I have not found any. But I am now pleased to endorse Thomas Peterson for mayor of Anoka, Minn. Although I have not had the chance to ask him about his thoughts on enforcing canine Sharia law in Anoka, it is clear that his common-sense leadership style is just what the town needs. To quote his campaign Web site, "As a French Bulldog, I feel I am suitably qualified. I know how to sit, shake hands, and, in an emergency, play dead. Additionally, I promise that I won't roll over on any issue." Good luck, Mr. Peterson. May Allah smile upon your campaign.

Mugsy weighs in on stem cell research

As a leading social conservative and firebrand religious leader, I would like to commend President Bush for his veto of expanded funding for embryonic stem cell research. In a perfectly choreographed press conference Wednesday -- complete with crying babies to punctuate his every sentence about embryos -- Bush explained his compassionate conservative reasoning thusly: "In our zeal for new treatments and cures, America must never abandon our fundamental morals." Here, here, Mr. President. We must never forget that all life is precious. And although it would be nice if science could prevent my father from succumbing to the diabetes that took his grandfather's life last year or the Alzheimer's disease that now torments his grandmother, we must always remember just how precious life is. Besides, science is in many ways the enemy of theocracy. Though many scientists believe that embryonic stem cell research holds the key to curing dozens of diseases and improving untold millions of lives, we must balance that knowledge against our compassion for the embryos. And rather than use the cells from these embryos to further the dubious interests of science, we must respect their rights as citizens. We must ensure that these frozen embryos continue to be tossed into trash bins -- with dignity.

A good deal, for a good cause

Have you ever wanted a custom banner for your Web page or e-mails but didn't have the requisite skills to make one? For a minimum donation of $5, you can receive a nice banner and contribute to Pug Dog Encephalitis research. PDE is a deadly, incurable disease that sometimes strikes our pug brothers and sisters, usually in adolescence. Researchers at Texas A&M University are working to learn more about the disease and find a cure. To see some of the sample banners, click here. To donate and get your own custom banner, visit Pugs.com and scroll down to the headline that says, "Mini Signature Banners Raise Funds for PDE."

Food for thought

The young campers and I have been working on logic and critical thinking skills this morning. I began by placing biscuits in Kong Balls and giving them to the hungry youths. The two puppy campers displayed greater problem-solving skills than the human children in this test, cementing their spot at the head of the class. Now, the children are trying to determine what is wrong with the normally lovely Keira Knightley on this magazine cover that has been haunting me lately at store checkout aisles.

Wedding bells

On Thursday, I officiated a cyber-wedding for a couple of my canine friends. It was a beautiful ceremony. And because I agreed to do it before my refrigerator went kaput, I waived my usual fee. The following is a transcript of the ceremony:

We are gathered here today to join Zero the Boston Terrier and Gypsy Rose the Pug in holy matrimony.

Marriage is like a chew rope, my furry friends. You must both take part, or it will not work. A canine cannot play tug-of-war without a partner. So you must always be there for one another. Zero, your rawhide will be Gypsy Rose’s rawhide. And Gypsy Rose, your dog biscuits will be Zero’s dog biscuits.

Zero, do you accept Gypsy Rose as your eternal pugbride?

And Gypsy Rose, do you accept Zero as your ever-lasting terrier hubby?

Let no man tear asunder what the ayatollah has joined today. I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may lick the bride.

National emergency

You might want to sit down if you aren't already seated. I have some bad news to share. You see, my refrigerator is broken. Last night, I noticed that it was making odd noises. This morning, the kitchen floor was soaking wet. Everything in the freezer was melting or thawing. It would all have to be thrown away. "Leggo my Eggo, you cruel thawing grip!" I exclaimed with horror. But the waffles were gone, as was the glorious frozen chicken. The ice cream, too, was lost forever, leaving its milky residue on the hard tile floor. Naturally, I helped clean this up. In times of need, we must all pitch in -- even high-ranking ayatollahs.

Because of this national emergency, I have raised the Pug Life alert level to Red, or "really expensive." I don't even want to think about what effect this will have on my standoff with the International Atomic Energy Agency.

It's going swimmingly

The campers and I have just returned from our dog-paddling races. Because of the ungodly gasoline prices, I was forced to cancel our trip to Lake Lewisville. Instead, the children swam in the creek near my house. Aside from a minor incident with a snapping turtle, everything went well.

I have begun to see a change in the human campers. At first, they resisted my methods. I encountered much crying, many calls to go home. During our circular marathon yesterday, many of the children complained of dizziness and nausea. But I showed no sympathy. Like a drill sergeant, I demanded that they finish the 26-mile race. And now the campers are beginning to come around. Their defiance is being replaced by obedience, a desire to serve the canine race. This was all part of my plan. From the start, I knew that I had to break the youths down so that I could rebuild them in my image. God willing, we will produce the next generation of ayatollahs. Or, in the case of the human campers, the next generation of ayatollahs' servants.

Wakeup call

The bugle call broke the morning silence at 0500 hours, rousing the children from their fitful sleep. I scratched on the guest-room door intently until one of them opened it. "Stand up," I barked. "Stand up straight!" The children jumped off of the lone bed and recliner and out of the pair of large chests of drawers I had procured as barracks. I began my inspection, sniffing each child one-by-one. When I reached a young Minnesota boy, I didn't like what I smelled. "Biscuit!" I barked. He fumbled through his pockets frantically. "Ayatollah, I ... I don't have any," he stammered, droplets of sweat forming on his brow. I commanded the youth to get down on his hands and knees so I could look him in the eye. After glaring at his nervous features, I let loose with a pair of drenching sneezes, each punctuated by a booming snort. He reached up to wipe his face. "No," I barked. "Leave it there as a reminder. Let this serve as a reminder to all of you. To be good servants of the ayatollah, you must always have dog biscuits at the ready."

Happy campers

The children and puppies arrived at noon today for the first-ever Ayatollah Mugsy's Youth Indoctrination Camp. We have 36 human children and two puppies taking part. It was supposed to be 38 children, but ARF Supreme Commander Brody the Bulldog found some red flags in the background checks of a couple of the youths. It seems they have a history of tail-pulling and treat-teasing. Naturally, these two youths have been detained indefinitely for questioning. We cannot take any chances with troublemakers.

We just wrapped up our 10-mile hike under the scorching Texas sun. (I rode alongside the children barking orders from my air-conditioned car.) Now, the youths are taking a three-hour multiple-choice exam that I prepared for them. Those who do not pass will be sent home with no refund. For proper indoctrination, the children must be physically and mentally fit. Perhaps I will post some sample questions later so that you can see how you would fare. I can already tell that this is going to be a great week of camp. Peace be upon you all.

Trouble brewing

Loyal Pug Lifer Chackler has alerted me to this shocking photo being displayed on Cute Overload. What were the humans thinking giving this pug puppy a beer? Alcohol is strictly forbidden under Islam. And as Chackler pointed out, that is doubly so for an inferior brew such as Beck's. It is written in the Quran: "The devil wants only to cast among you enmity and hatred by means of strong drink and games of chance and to turn you from remembering Allah and from prayer. Will you then desist." So if these humans want to raise their canine as a good Muslim pug, they must immediately stop serving this devilish brew.

In addition to endangering their puppy's soul, these humans are contributing to the immense problem of underage canine drinking. It is a serious issue in this country, and such glamorization of this lifestyle only serves to make matters worse. Sure, the pug may look cute now. But just wait until he grows up to be a raging alcoholic.

Spending priorities

It appears as if the astronauts’ primary focus on their latest mission is to inspect their shuttle for catastrophic damage sustained on liftoff. And given that the outer skin of the space shuttle is more delicate than fine china, I cannot blame them. But it seems to me that the shuttle's time has passed. Surely there are better ways for the taxpayers to spend their borrowed money. Might I suggest some additional spending on faith-based initiatives -- Pug Life Ministries could always use a few extra dollars, for example. The first-ever Ayatollah Mugsy's Youth Indoctrination Camp begins this weekend, and it would be nice if we could afford to feed some of the children. Mr. Treasury Secretary, the PayPal virtual offering plate is to your right.

America's hopes slip away

Japan's Kobayashi pulls away to win it, 53 and three-fourths to 52. The contestants are now hunched over, their mouths stuffed full of hot dogs. American Joey Chestnut's upset bid just came up short. I have witnessed perhaps the greatest sporting event ever. But once Kobayashi's apparent steroid use comes to light, it is sure to be seen as a tainted win. I urge Nathan's to allow canines to enter next year's contest; then the world will see some real eating.

The Barry Bonds of hot dog eating

I am watching the most exciting 12 minutes in sports: The Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. Takeru Kobayashi, the five-time defending champion, is seen by many as the greatest athlete of his generation. But after seeing a photo of him now next to a photo of him after his first win, it is clear that he is on steroids. He started as a tiny 110-pound man; now he looks like this. This is a huge scandal in the making. We have a possible upset brewing, with somebody named Chestnut leading the defending champion by two hot dogs. Impressive, yes, but I could do better.

Let's celebrate our independence

No, friends, it is not yet time to celebrate Pugistan's independence. But we are only a day away from the 230th birthday of the United States of America (the Great Satan, in ayatollahspeak). And that, my disciples, is reason enough to celebrate ... for now. I wish you all a happy Fourth of July, and I urge you all to be safe and responsible -- under no circumstances is it acceptable to burn down the Ayatollah Compound with stray fireworks. And though we should all enjoy this holiday, we must also remain ultra-vigilant. The scourge of flag-burning is a very real threat. As you can see from the recent attention given the matter in Congress, flag-burning is one of the two or three biggest threats facing this great nation. So be on the lookout for any flag-burning malcontents. And if you see one, tell him Ayatollah Mugsy says to cut it out.

Human's bravery honored

I hereby bestow a Pug Life Medal of Valor on Brent Carey, a South Carolina man who jumped on the back of a 10-foot alligator that was dragging his girlfriend's dog into a lake. His heroism paid off, as the canine was released and ran to shore. Carey received minor injuries in the struggle, and the gator was later shot and killed by state officials. "They informed me that I should not jump on the back of alligators," Carey said.

Don't listen to them, Brent. You did the right thing.

These restrictions are all wet

I have just finished washing my car. It is a task that I would prefer to do at another time -- when my mother is home to help me -- but I am not allowed to. My city has imposed restrictions, allowing outside watering only once a week on residents' trash days. So rather than wash the car on Sunday with my mother's help, I had to go it alone. Do you know how difficult it is for a pug to reach the roof of a full-size automobile? Let me tell you, it took a while.

I am not a fan of these water restrictions. I recently had to spend an hour and a half watering around my home's foundation with a hose because the ground was so parched (this is allowed). But it would have been far easier to turn on my automatic sprinkler system. An ayatollah has better things to do than stand around with a hose all day. Doesn't the city understand that lives are at stake here?

Do not get me wrong; I support many environmental causes. I have not only hugged a tree; I have also slow-danced with one. (I then urinated on it, but that is another story.) But I find it hard to get behind the concept of water conservation. We are not talking about fossil fuels, which will someday run out. We are talking about a liquid that covers two-thirds of the Earth's surface. I pay my water bills every month, so I believe I should be able to use whatever water I choose to pay for, whenever I choose to use it. I would not wash my car more than once a week anyway. The commercial car washes in town aren't forced to close six days a week, so why should I be limited thusly?

This water shortage is not the fault of the water-consuming public. It is the fault of a city and water district that have not kept up with demand and that have failed to live up to their obligations. They have left me no choice but to issue a fatwa! I hereby order whoever is responsible for such matters to dig a new lake, build a new water treatment plant, or do whatever else is necessary to provide me the water freedom I deserve. So it has been decreed, so it shall be done.

Well-wishes pour in

I have been receiving notes and phone calls all day to congratulate me on this blog's first anniverary. I thank all of you who have taken the time to send your well-wishes. Several of my closest lady friends and I have been celebrating at my home with a massive feast of rawhide. Just moments ago, Connie Chung stopped by to perform a song-and-dance routine for me. Here is a sampling of the messages I have received:


Your Excellency,
All praise to Pug Life Ministries, which together with you, its distinguished leader, has helped to save the lives of hundreds of millions of children and millions of mothers, which has relieved the suffering and saved the lives of many more millions of human beings. Know that the people of Cuba support you in your fight for independence from the running-dog capitalists of the U.S.A. (that is just an expression; no disrespect intended). I look forward to congratulating you on your second anniversary.
- Fidel Castro

Pyongyang, June 28 (KCNA) -- Pak Pong Ju, premier of the DPRK Cabinet, on Wednesday sent a congratulatory message to Ayatollah Mugsy, on the occasion of his blog's first anniversary. Expressing the belief that the traditional relations of friendship and cooperation between the two countries would continue to consolidate, the message heartily wished him good health and happiness as well as great success in his responsible work for development of Pugistan. Foreign Minister Paek Nam Sun also sent a congratulatory message to Brody the Bulldog on his development of the world's preeminent military power.
- Reprinted with permission from the Korean Central News Agency of DPRK (Democratic People's Republic of Korea)

Congratulations, Mugsy! I knew you could do it. I miss you. Call me! xoxoxo
- Mariah Carey

Your Holiness,
I have read with great interest your teachings over the last year, and I hope you will be around for many more. And although I cannot say so publicly, I wish you luck in your Pugistan independence movement. The British people stand behind you.
- Tony Blair

Congrats! It's been a great year, my friend. I've led a charmed life, but it wasn't complete until I found your teachings. (Although I still want to see what goes on inside your harem!) Hope to see you at the grotto on July Fourth. Hef loves ya, baby!
- Hugh Hefner

Honored Imam,
The people of Sudan stand ready to assist you as you embark on your second year. May Allah watch over you as you impose Sharia law on the people and canines of Pugistan.
- Omar Hasan Ahmad al-Bashir, president of Sudan

Assalamu alaikum, beloved Ayatollah Mugsy. The Kingdom has sent a planeload of rawhide to honor you on this special occasion. Enjoy it, for you have earned this treat.
- Sultan bin Abdul Aziz al-Saud, Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia

Hola, amigo,
The Mexican people send their regards and their utmost respect. We are willing to forget the incident with El Terror Minisculo, and we hope the friendship between us will flourish.
- Vicente Fox, president of Mexico

Mr. Ayatollah,
Your stance on civil rights for canines has served as an inspiration. All across this nation, canines, subject to segregation, unable to cool off by perspiration, only panting. No vote, forced to wear tags across their throat. Barred from eateries, accused of having fleas, it just ain't right. No, it ain't right. But you, Mr. Ayatollah, give us hope. Hope for a bold solution. Hope for a revolution. Hope for a change, my friend. Happy anniversary.
- The Rev. Jesse Jackson

Mugsy,
Your teachings provide the high point of my every day. I hope you are able to attend my party in your honor.
- Hassanal Bolkiah, Sultan of Brunei

Happy anniversary! Your travel blog has served as an inspiration to me in my role as host of the best travel show on TV, the Travel Channel's Passport to Europe. Why does that boring Rick Steves guy get all the attention? What a snoozefest. Can you put a curse on him or something?
- Samantha Brown

Way to go, Ayatollah Mugsy. You've really taught that canine Islam in a great way. The team really looks up to you. Thanks for the pep talk during spring ball. Boomer Sooner!
- Bob Stoops

Mr. Mugsy,
I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, but I wanted to congratulate you on this great milestone. If you need any political advice, any at all, do not hesitate to contact me. W is a lame duck now, and I'm looking to hook up with a winner.
- Karl Rove

Mugsy,
Congratulations on your first anniversary! Say, I've heard rumblings that you may be starting your own book club. Is this true? I don't know if I could withstand the competition, but I wish you the best nonetheless. The invitation to appear on my show stands.
- Oprah Winfrey

Congrats, Mugsy!
I so should have picked you over K-Fed. Can I please, please, please move into your harem? I can totally leave my kid at home. :-)
Love,
Britney

May you have many more years, great ayatollah.
- Col. Muammar al-Gaddafi, leader of Libya

Mugsy, you are one bad mother[expletive deleted].
- Richard Roundtree, actor

ANNIVERSARY: A year of Pug Life

One year of The Ayatollah’s Teachings. Can you believe it? A year ago, I took my fledgling ministry online in hopes of reaching -- and helping -- a wider audience. And now, after more than 230 nuggets of puggish wisdom have been disseminated via the Internet, it is time to celebrate our first anniversary.

In my first post, I promised happiness to those who visited this blog regularly. I vowed to provide insightful answers to your questions. And I offered to enlighten your minds while lightening your wallets. Judging from my empty puggy bank, it is clear that the best I can hope for is two out of three. But I pray that you have found my unique canine Muslim perspective on theology, culture, world events and rawhide to be informative and enlightening. If so, perhaps I will see you here again next year -- your wallet a little slimmer -- as we celebrate this blog’s second anniversary.

Allahu Akbar!

To commemorate this special occasion, I have created a new rail section: Historically Significant Posts. It features some of my most influential early teachings, and I will be adding to the list from time to time. Requests are welcome.

Let's kick it

Brody the Bulldog, ARF military mastermind and athlete extraordinaire, is organizing a soccer team to represent Pugistan in the 2010 World Cup. Stop by his blog and leave a comment if you're interested in competing. God willing, this congregation's superior athletes will help Brody bring home the championship.

I'm getting a headache

So help me Allah, if I see this commercial one more time, I am going to chew through the television's power cord.

Ugly, thy name is Archie

Congratulations are in order for devoted Pug Life Ministries follower Archie, who has been crowned the world's ugliest dog. The Chinese crested, a native of Phoenix, Ariz., topped 16 worthy opponents and one pug to claim the title. Let us all congratulate Archie and remind him to tithe 10 percent of his $1,000 prize to the ministry. And remember: Ugly is only skin deep.

Click here for a video of Archie's shining moment.

Dog tired

As you may have heard, Rabbi Jake and I were able to persuade the rival Palestinian factions Hamas and Fatah to agree to recognize Israel. Of course, the big question now is, "Will this be enough? Will this baby step toward Mideast peace help Mugsy win the Nobel Prize?" This remains to be seen. Pray for Rabbi Jake and me; after pouring our heart and soul into these marathon talks, we were exhausted.

Nailing down some answers

I am pleased to announce that my good friend and business partner, er, fellow religious leader Pope Pius Pug (he's the one on the left) will be in town Saturday for a very important forum. The pontiff will join me and a handful of local religious scholars in "Nail Trimming: Is it God's Way?" The interfaith forum will tackle a ritual that is of pressing concern for many canines, and the conversation is certain to be most enlightening.

The event at the Granada Theater is already sold out, but if I receive enough money in the PayPal virtual offering plate this week, I will make the forum available as an iTunes Pugcast.

How lucky these mortals be

Last night, I went to Dallas to watch the Shakespeare in the Park production of "A Midsummer Night's Dream: The Musical." With go-go dancers and funky bass lines, this faithful reproduction appeared just as the original play did in the Bard's time, some 400 years ago. But can you imagine how special it must have been to see this classic in its original form? Imagine William Shakespeare himself standing backstage at the Globe Theater, directing his young charges as they recite his brand-new dialogue. How much money would one pay today for the opportunity to travel back in time to experience such a transcendent moment in literary history?

A half-millennium from now, humans will no doubt have the same envious feelings about you, dear readers. For you are able to read these teachings straight from the ayatollah's lips.

My meeting with Condoleezza

As I mentioned last week, I have been engaged in talks with Condoleezza Rice. The secretary of state told me that President Bush was "extremely concerned" about Pug Life's efforts to enrich rawhide. Yet for all her apparent concern, she offered remarkably little to persuade me to give up this program. As a starting point for these talks, I suggested that the White House cede Texas, Oklahoma, Colorado, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada and California for the formation of Pugistan. But she would not bite.

Over the weekend, we traveled to Oklahoma, where my good friend and business partner Rabbi Jake joined in the talks. I thought it important to get a schnauzer perspective on this issue. Well, the rabbi and I both agreed that this rawhide-enrichment program holds too much promise for dogkind to simply quit now. I told Ms. Rice in no uncertain terms that we would not be cowed by her threats or deterred by her efforts to deprive the world's canines. I always suspected that she was a cat person.

Round and round

Whew! Let me catch my breath. I have just completed a series of wild circular sprints around the living room. My father, whom I was running around, is no doubt dizzy now. That will teach him not to try to touch my paws while I am working on a sermon. As your spiritual leader, I believe it is my duty to maintain peak physical performance; I know that you are counting on me. So I regularly engage in such circular sprinting and change-of-direction exercises. And though I may be a graybeard, my friends, I've still got some moves that would make Barry Sanders proud. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go sleep for the next 12 hours.