A show of strength

My faithful flock, we are at a crossroads in the Pugistan liberation movement. I wish I had time to tell you more, but all will be revealed in due time.

For details on the historic "Day Without Pugs" boycott, click here.

Something's brewing

I have been working feverishly on a project that will forever alter the pug way of life. Details to come ...

For the birds

I hope you all had an enjoyable holiday on Monday. I used the occasion to get some much-needed rest and relaxation. But that doesn't mean I let my charitable duties fall by the wayside -- an ayatollah's work is never done. With my parents' help, I went out to feed the hungry neighborhood ducks, who sadly are not covered by the federal Women, Infants and Children Program. As you may know, I am quite fond of ducks. In fact, one of my best friends is a mallard. In my experience, they are a spiritual bunch, always eager to discuss the Quran and the Hadiths. So I ministered to them while they ate our old hotdog buns, and I believe I made a difference in their lives. I also spotted a large contingent of turtles poking their heads out of the water, but they were too far out for us to reach. God willing, we will feed them next time.

In the evening, my parents cooked out in the back yard, grilling hotdogs and corn on the cob. Unfortunately, my earlier lesson of charity did not rub off on them. After all my efforts to feed the neighborhood waterfowl, what did I get? Not a single hotdog. Not one piece of corn. It was only by the grace of Allah, who granted me these sad puppy-dog eyes, that I was able to lick my father's plate clean.

Been there, done that

Fellow religious leader and amateur meteorologist Pat Robertson claims he has leg-pressed 2,000 pounds. Only a ton, Mr. Robertson? Isn't that cute. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pull a garbage truck out of a ravine with my teeth.

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. -- Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson, 76, says he has leg-pressed 2,000 pounds, but some say he'd be in a pretty tough spot if he tried. The ''700 Club'' host's feat of strength is recounted on the Web site of his Christian Broadcasting Network. According to the site, Robertson worked his way up to lifting a ton. Clay Travis of CBS SportsLine.com called the assertion impossible, writing that the leg-press record for football players at Florida State University is 665 pounds less.

Click here for a full version of the story.

Mugsy declares holiday

As promised, I have decided to honor your many contributions to the ministry. I hereby declare Monday, May 29, 2006, to be Ayatollah Mugsy Readers Day. You are all excused from work* or school on this date so that you can spend time reflecting on your allegiance to me and your dedication to the Pugistan secession movement. This will also give you ample free time to add to my vote total in the World's Hottest Pug contest. Sadly, an adorable upstart has passed me by. Enjoy your upcoming three-day weekend; you've earned it!

* Firefighters, police officers, air-traffic controllers and rawhide deliverymen should first check with their supervisors.

Update on Ibrahim Wata

It has been a while since we made our final offer to Ibrahim Wata -- the African banker who promised me the opportunity of a lifetime via an unsolicited e-mail -- so I feel it is time to give you an update. As you may recall, the congregation voted by a rather wide margin to demand that Mr. Wata send us 500 pounds of rawhide before we would agree to send him our bank account details. This struck me as a risky move at the time, but I followed the wishes of my beloved flock. Here are the next two e-mails in our negotiations:


Dear Ayatollah Mugsy,
Thanks for your last mail. I have heard all what you said, But mind you that this fund has lyied dormant for many years, How due you think that i will send you £500 first? Note that this transaction is not force, if you feel that you are not capable to follow it up, Is better you back out. You just went and exposed this business to your friends, Sorry to inform you that we can not continue.

Best regards

Mr.Ibrahim Wata.


Ibrahim, wait! I didn't mean 500 pounds as in British currency. With the current exchange rate, that would be absurd. I meant 500 pounds of rawhide, for canines to chew on. Please reconsider your stance. I will breathlessly await your reply.
Sincerely,
Mugsy
Supreme Ayatollah
Pug Life Ministries


We exchanged a few more e-mails after this, but two points became abundantly clear:
1. Mr. Wata was not happy that I had told you about the deal.
2. Mr. Wata was incapable of grasping the concept of rawhide.

So, unfortunately, the deal fell through. Some ayatollahs would undoubtedly feel bitter after coming so close to such a financial windfall and then having it ripped away by the greed of their congregations. Indeed, I had a deal in place that would have netted me millions of dollars. All I had to do was send Mr. Wata my bank account information. But you wanted more. And because my allegiance is to my congregation, I went along with your ill-advised demand for rawhide.

But fear not; I won't hold it against you. I won't blame you for yanking $5 million from my puggy bank. I forgive you, my faithful flock -- you know not what you do. But if you'd like to try to make it up to me, the PayPal virtual offering plate is to your upper right.

Momentum is building

DALLAS (AP) -- In a scene repeated in cities across the U.S., millions of pugs took to the streets Sunday to demand full voting rights and universal access to rawhide. The protests, organized by the enigmatic Ayatollah Mugsy, were seen as the latest step toward a possible declaration of pug independence. The firebrand cleric exhorted the pug nation to rise up and let their barks be heard. Because of the heat, however, the pugs only protested for about 15 minutes before returning to the comfort of their air-conditioned homes.

(For a great photo of the Dallas demonstration, visit this fine purveyor of fair and balanced news.)

I'll be brief

Last night, my mother attended the bachelorette party of a woman whose underwear I once liberated from her suitcase. I hope this did not make for any awkward moments between them.

Comcast has suffered enough

Although it was not an easy decision, I have decided to call off the boycott of Comcast. Our collective economic might brought this corporate giant to its knees, and for that we should be proud. The numbers speak for themselves: In the first quarter after the boycott was announced, Comcast lost 40,000 subscribers. Just imagine the damage we could have wrought if more doghouses had cable. I want to make clear that I am not letting Comcast off the hook. The company is not yet fully in the good graces of Pug Life Ministries. It remains on probation, and the boycott could resume at any moment.

You may wonder why I have had this apparent change of heart, so allow me to explain. As a technologically savvy evangelist, I rely on the Internet to help me spread my message. And my dial-up connection was just not cutting it. For months, I have been tormented by my phone company, AT&T (formerly SBC). Every week, it seems, the company would mail me a new offer for DSL. “Only $12.95 a month,” it would say. Yet every time I called to sign up, I was told that the service was not available in my neighborhood. Recently, I learned that Comcast offered high-speed Internet in my area. And for the good of the ministry, I decided to give Comcast a second chance (although not the inept phone division, which initially ignited my ire).

Do not let me down again, Comcast. Next time, I will not be so forgiving.

Charitable deeds

Here at Pug Life Ministries, we are committed to providing a wide range of social services. We feed the poor. We give belly rubs to the elderly. We offer counseling for unwed mothers (and sadly, there are many in the canine community). As the Prophet Muhammad said, "Charity is a necessity for every Muslim." And we take this important lesson to heart. Just moments ago, our social services program was able to reunite a runaway with her parents. I was returning from a trip to the library when I spotted Molly wandering my neighborhood. She was all alone, so I invited her to stay at the mosque for a while. I gave her some cold water and food. She happily drank the water but declined the food, so I made sure that it did not go to waste. After giving Molly a thorough sniffing and praying with her, I was finally able to contact her parents, who did not realize that she had run away. Molly's mother rushed over to retrieve her daughter, and Molly seemed quite happy to see her. Chalk up another tail-wagging victory for Pug Life Ministries. To contribute to the many charitable efforts at Pug Life Ministries, please click on the PayPal icon to your right.

I'm all ears

I apologize for missing this weekend's services at the mosque. I trust that my protege did a fine job filling in for me while I was away. You see, I was busy going through millions of hours of phone records and taped conversations. You may have heard about this from the liberal, anti-pug news media, which have threatened our very freedom with their careless "reporting." The so-called privacy advocates would have you believe that I am somehow violating your civil liberties by listening in on your conversations. They say that I should not know the details of every phone call you have made over the last five years. But you must believe me when I tell you that I am only doing this for your safety. As we have learned time and time again, the enemies of Pug Life Ministries are many. This surveillance program is designed to stop those enemies, thereby defending your liberties.

Some would also try to tell you that my actions are unconstitutional. Clearly, these infidels have not bothered to read the Constitution. Let me assure you, it includes exceptions for those in positions of power. You need not worry about me listening in on your every phone conversation. I am a busy ayatollah, and I have millions upon millions of hours on tape. So it is imperative that I only fast-forward to the good parts.

By the way, I've noticed that a few of you forgot to call your mothers on Mother's Day.

Delaware: Maybe it's not so boring after all

Delaware, the first state in the union, may be on the verge of becoming the first state to officially recognize the magnificence of the pug. Legislation introduced Thursday would make the pug the state dog of Delaware. I believe this would make me the de facto spiritual adviser of the second-smallest state. Rep. Robert Valihura, the bill's sponsor, said he introduced this progressive legislation at the request of a pug-caretaking constituent. According to the bill, the pug is "a small, intelligent, and much revered dog" that is "an excellent representative of the state of Delaware." I cannot argue with that.


REPRESENTING
In case you were wondering, here is a list of state dogs:

Louisiana: Catahoula Leopard Dog
Maryland: Chesapeake Bay Retriever
Massachusetts: Boston Terrier
North Carolina: Plott Hound
Pennsylvania: Great Dane
South Carolina: Boykin Spaniel
Virginia: American Foxhound (state animal)
Wisconsin: American Water Spaniel

Are you mascot material?

I thought my canine friends would be interested to know that Old Navy is looking for a furry mascot. You can enter for your chance at superstardom at www.oldnavy.com. Click on the link in the lower right of that page and you can upload your best photo and enter some information about yourself. If Morgan Fairchild could do it, so can you. Let's make sure the winner is a Pug Lifer.

My life: Hard time, easy target

Previous installments of this autobiographical series are available in the right-hand rail, under the heading "Mugsy's Biography."

Chapter XIV
The Dallas Pet Penitentiary had never seen an inmate like me. With three platinum records and a Grammy, I was a celebrity behind bars. I was also a target. And for a thug trying to boost his rep among the other inmates, I represented a golden opportunity. I was an icon in the gangsta-rapping, panty-raiding pug community. Take me down, and you had instant respect.

Such was the goal of Hedgie, leader of the Chew Toy Mafia. The CTMs were some of the baddest prisoners in the pound. The group was made up of thieves, biters and carpet-shredders. They were more cunning than the Bloods and the Crips, more vicious than the Aryan Yorkie Brotherhood. Hedgie expected everyone in the pound to live by his rules. When he ambled down the hall, others stepped aside. When he went to the cafeteria, he moved to the front of the line. And everybody was expected to pay him a weekly rawhide tax. With that rigid stance, there was bound to be friction between us. You see, nobody – nobody! – came between me and my rawhide.

When Hedgie’s goons showed up at my cell to collect, I told them to scram. When they balked, I raised my hackles and kicked my back leg to let them know I meant business. "Don’t make me puncture your squeakers, punks," I growled. They got the message. After a couple more days, Hedgie knew he had a problem. I was challenging his authority – and earning the admiration of the other inmates in the process. Finally, he came to my cell to issue an ultimatum. "Pay up, pug," he said, standing outside my locked cell door. "You owe me five sticks of rawhide – plus interest. Deliver it to my cell by noon tomorrow, or else. I’ll be waiting."

I let out a low growl as my natural rawhide-defense mechanism kicked in. "You’ll be waiting a long time, Hedgie," I barked. "You want my rawhide, you’re going to have to take it."

Furious, Hedgie marched back to his cell. The fur was about to fly.

To be continued

I owe it all to you

Dear readers, I came to you several months ago with an appeal. Now, I have discovered that our hard work has paid off. If you visit this site and scroll down a bit, you will see that I am now, officially, the hottest pug in the universe. Thank you all for your support; it is almost humbling. To show the depths of my gratitude, I will soon declare a national holiday in your honor. But please remember to keep those 10s coming. The margin between first and second place is a thin one, and I'm still hoping to reach a 9.2. With your help, God willing, we will achieve all our goals.

A peaceful, easy feeling

It was a nice, relaxing day at the ayatollah compound. I chewed a little rawhide, wrestled my friend Mallard, and did some research for a scholarly article I'm writing on whether Greenies are halaal. But mostly, I just slept, savoring the silence. There is nothing like curling up on my favorite blanket and catching some snore-filled Z's. Why was I able to enjoy such sublime household tranquility, you ask? Because my parents found tickets to the Tool concert at SMU.

I can cotton to this

Today, I joined the elite few who can say they’ve played in the Cotton Bowl. There were no cheerleaders, no fans in the stands to marvel at my athletic exploits. But I played my heart out. And as the saying goes, I left it all on the field. Although the Oklahoma Sooners will own that storied turf in October, it received the Mark of the Ayatollah on this day. In several places.

A good crowd turned out for the Dog Bowl, in which the Cotton Bowl was transformed into a 70,000-seat dog park. I sniffed canines of all breeds, including a fetching little pug lass in a pink collar. She was a bit young, so I gave her my business card and told her to call me in a few weeks. Because of a nonspecific security threat, I traveled incognito, leaving my turban at home. I tucked my beard into my collar so as not to draw a crowd. That’s me in the lower left of the photo montage. That big fellow on the lower right was able to snag a hat from someone’s back pocket. Unfortunately, my mother retrieved the hat and returned it to its human owner. I will have to have a talk with her about that. Her knee-jerk decision to side with the human in this matter was rather troubling.

A fiesta for the prisoner

Never let it be said that I am not a compassionate pug. I have decided to let Bella out of captivity for six hours tonight so that she can celebrate Cinco de Mayo. She will be wearing a tracking device at all times and will be escorted by a crack team of ARF guards. Still, you might want to stay home tonight with your doors locked unless it is absolutely necessary to venture out.

Tooling around

My father is driving me crazy. He has been playing the new Tool CD nonstop since its release Tuesday morning. Don't get me wrong; it is an excellent album. But a pug's got to rest. I need at least 16 hours of sleep a day. I have been trying desperately to find him some tickets for the band's sold-out show on Monday in Dallas. I think that may be my only hope of getting a few hours of peace and quiet around here. If anyone has a spare ticket or two that they'd like to donate to the ministry or sell for a reasonable price, please let me know. You would earn my eternal gratitude and a guaranteed spot in Heaven.

Final offer

After tallying your votes, I have made our final offer to Ibrahim Wata, the African banker who has given us the opportunity of a lifetime. We must pray that he will not be turned off by our rawhide demands. But if he is, fortune may be smiling upon us. I have received nearly a dozen similar offers since my first reply to Mr. Wata. Here are the most recent e-mails in our ongoing conversation:


Dear Ayatollah Mugsy,
Thanks for your last mail. I have heard all what you said, But mind you that you most keep this transaction as a top secret until the fund get into your account, as you know that we are the bank official here in this bank, we don't want my bank to know that i am involved in this transaction. So i will be waiting to hear from you then.

Best regards

Mr.Ibrahim Wata.


Greetings, Mr. Wata,
It is not my intention to introduce an atom of negative into our conversation, but I must act on behalf of my congregation. The members of Pug Life Ministries have voted, and they feel that to make this a fair transaction, it is imperative that you send us 500 pounds of rawhide. And not just one massive 500-pound bone; it must be in pieces that we can get our teeth around. The congregation feels that this is a fair deal, given the inherent riskiness of dealing with Internet shysters. Write me back urgently if this is acceptable so that we can exchange shipping details. Once the rawhide has been weighed and distributed to the congregation, we will move on to the financial stage of our dealings. May Allah watch over this transaction.
Sincerely,
Mugsy
Supreme Ayatollah
Pug Life Ministries

A note to Dallas-area Pug Lifers

The Cotton Bowl, the famed football stadium where OU and Texas meet each October in a battle of good vs. evil, has gone to the dogs. Its storied field will become a free dog park from 1 to 5 p.m. Sunday. You can find details at this site. For some inexplicable reason, mimes will be present. I am hoping to attend, so maybe I will see you there.

Making progress

Our bizarre good luck continues, my faithful flock. I have heard back from Ibrahim Wata, our African banker friend. Although he did not directly agree to my Milkbone demand, I will take his continued correspondence as a sign that he is still interested. What a unique opportunity we have. Who else has had the good fortune of being approached in such a manner by an e-mailing stranger from Burkina Faso offering such a golden opportunity? Clearly, Allah is smiling upon the ministry. I will keep you posted on this matter. Below you will find our latest e-mail exchange:

Dear Ayatollah Mugsy,

Thanks for your last mail. I have made this transaction clearly to you that this is 100% risk free and there is no atom of negative on both side.

As regards to your question, your account using for the transaction is where you shall receive the fund, so be rest assured that nothing will happen to your account, If you are not asured of what am telling you, you can open a new account for the transaction, just to tell you that this is risk free. So send me yous banking details so that we shall proceed.

Best regards

Mr.Ibrahim Wata.
+226-7647-1708.


Mr. Wata,
I feel much more comfortable now that you have assured me that there is no atom of negative. Please allow me a few days to bring this matter before my congregation for a vote. I expect that I will get back to you by the end of the week with my financial information, provided you consent to the Milkbone request in my previous e-mail. Will you be needing my Social Security number, as well?
Sincerely,
Mugsy
Supreme Ayatollah
Pug Life Ministries

Tense negotiations

As I mentioned earlier, I am engaged in talks that could potentially net Pug Life Ministries millions of dollars. I will now give you a rare glimpse into these tense negotiations. I suspect that this will easily be the longest post in the history of The Ayatollah's Teachings, and this gives me pause. As any canine who has played tug-of-war knows, humans have notoriously short attention spans. But I believe this information is too important, too historically significant to be edited down. It must run in full. The e-mail exchanges that you are about to read are 100 percent, word-for-word as they have occurred over the last 48 hours. As you will see at the end, I am still awaiting a final agreement. God willing, this African banker will accept my terms.

LEGEND

Messages from me are in the customary Ayatollah Yellow.
Messages from Mr. Ibrahim Wata are written in green.

And now, let the messages begin:

FROM THE DESK OF MR. IBRAHIM WATA
BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER,
BANK OF AFRICA (BOA).
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO.
Alternative e-mail:mr_ibrahim_wata@yahoo.fr
Dear Sir/Madam
I know that this letter may come to you as a surprise but due to the urgency of this transaction.First I must solicit your confidence in this transaction, this is by virtue of it's nature as being utterly confidential and top secret. Though I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make any one apprehensive and worried, but I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day. There is no doubt that trust conceptually is a conundrum which leadsitself to deferring interpretation, we have decided to contact you due to the urgency of this transaction.
I am the manager of bill and exchange at the foreign remittance department of BANK OF AFRICA(BOA). I came to know you in my private search for a reliable and reputable person to handle this Confidential Transaction, which involves thetransfer of a huge sum of money to a foreign account requiring maximum confidence.
I am writing to you, following the impressive information received about you from the chambers of commerce. I believed that you are capable and reliable to champion this business opportunity. In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of $14.5m US dollars (Fourteen million five hundred thusand US dollars). In an account that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his entire family On August 23, 2000 through Gulf Air Flight 72 with Airbus A320 crashed off, killing all 143 people on board and you can view the site for more details:http://www-tech.mit.edu/V120/N32/gulfair.32w.html
Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because we cannot release it unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines but unfortunately we learnt that all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim. It is therefore upon this discovery that I and other officials in my department now decided to make this business proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and we don't want this money to go into the Bank treasury as unclaimed Bill.
The Banking law and guideline here stipulates that if such money remained unclaimed after five years, the money will be transferred into the Bank treasury as unclaimed fund. The request of foreigner as next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner.
We agree that 35% of this money will be for you as foreign partner, in respect to the provision of a foreign account, 5 % will be set aside for expenses incurred during the business and 60 % would be for me and my colleagues. There after I and my colleagues will visit your country for disbursement according to the percentages indicated.
Therefore to enable the immediate transfer of this fund to you as arranged, you must apply first to the bank as relations or next of kin of the deceased indicating your bank name, your bank account number,your private telephone and fax number for easy and effective communication and location where in the money will be remitted.
Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by fax or email the text of the application. I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is hitch free and that you should not entertain any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the transfer.
You should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this letter.
Trusting to hear from you immediately.
Yours faithfully,
MR. IBRAHIM WATA
Bill and exchange manager,
BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)

I will require 40 percent of the money, in unmarked $1 bills. Reply urgently if this is acceptable.

Dear Ayatollah Mugsy,
Thanks for your last mail in respect of my proposed business transaction sent to you ealier. I will like to be honest with you, base on the fact that, what will bring the success of this transaction is trust and understanding. As regards to your request i have agreed with my partner to give you 32% of the total fund.
Also i wish to let you know that if you know that you will not keep this transaction as a top secret is better you forget about it, because i have spent a lot of money in this transaction before contacting you. I will not be happy to lose the fund. This fund belongs to our deceased customer(MR.CHRISTAIN EICH ) From AUSTRALIAN. He died on 31/07/ 2000 along with his supposed next of kin in an air crash. He nationalized here for years before his death. He executed alot of contracts here before his death and he was also the major supplier of agricultural equipments in West Africa. The banking law here stipulates that if such money remains unclaimed after 6 year, it will go to the bank treasury as unclaimed bills. We discovered the money during our last auditing in our department. we have made all necessary enquries to find out if we can get any of his relation so that they will come for the claims but to no avail. I decided to contact you and release the fund to you as the nearest person to the dead man because I dont want the money to go into the bank treasury as unclaimed fund and besides nobody is coming for the fund again. Many Banks in African use to confiscate alot of foreigners money i our bank after the fund lying dormant in the Bank.We Poor Bankers dont gain anything if the fund is confiscated. I got this last oppurtunity at this my old aged and decided to contact you,for the mutual benefit of our both families. The transaction has to undergo normal banking procedures of transfering inheritance fund.You will apply as the nearest person to the deceased customer while i will be here as your partner in the business,guiding you on what to do until the fund enters your account. For immediate execution of this transaction,you have to communicate me with those information below; 1) your full name, 2) your occupation, 3) your country, 4) your age, 5) your telephone and fax number. 6) your banking details where you shall receive the fund so that i will email you a text of application that you will use to apply for releasing of the fund. And i will like to know how capable you are to receive this huge amount into your account, and i hope that you will not betray me when the money enter into your account in your country?. Upon receipt of the above mentioned,i will send you a text of application which you will use to apply to the Foreign Remittance Department in our Bank,for easy execution of the transaction. This transaction is 100% hitch-free on both sides and has no atom of negativity on both side but you must try to keep it confidential and as a top secret as you may wish to know that we are this Bank Officials. I once again wish to inform you that 32% of the total sum will be for you for the provision of account were we will transfer the money and the rest will be for me and my colleague who is also involved in the business. Here will be a little expencess in other to get some documents to back up this claims. Which i feel that you will a bit assist me when needed for that. As i hard spent a lot of money in gathering the information of this transaction before contacted you. I have worked very hard in my life and this one oppurtunity that i dont want play with. 1) My full name is Mr. Ibrahim Wata, Manager Foreign Remmittance Dept Bank of Africa(B.O.A) 2) I am 50 years old with 4 children with an aged mother and father. 3) My house address is No 25, suma street dapoyah Ouagadougou Burkina Faso. 4) My private phone number+226-7647-1708. I have worked with this bank for many years now. i don't want to lose this last opportunity allmighty God gave to me at this old age. You must assure me of your sincerity,so that this transaction is not broght to odium.Please kindly back-out if you can not assure me of your sincerity in this transaction. Have agreat day as i await your return mail. Mr.Ibrahim Wata, Nb: The 32% of total sum is for you as the provider of foreign account. the 60% is me and my partner here also the 10% is for any expencess. and you will send me a letter of invitation immedaitely your receive the fund into your account, as to enable me get my visa to your country to collect my share.
For the confidencialty of this transaction warrant me to direct you through this my private email address. Please if you need more question you can ask.

First you offer me 35 percent, and now you offer only 32 percent? This is not the way to negotiate. Frankly, I am offended. Do you know who you are dealing with? Perhaps you should visit my blog at ayatollahmugsy.blogspot.com to see. I am not one to be trifled with. Unless you consent to the full 40 percent I seek, I will find another shady African banker to do business with.
Sincerely,
Mugsy
Supreme Ayatollah
Pug Life Ministries

Dear Ayatollah Mugsy,

Thanks for your last mail. I have gone through your site. Really i offerd 35% for the first time, but i was not happy when you needed me to add more 5% making 40% as you know that we are two down here.

If we give you 40% how much due you think that me and my partner here who is involved in this transaction will share?. Please you have to accept the 35% as you know that we are two here. So that we shall start the business as you know that we don't have enough time to waste.

Best regards

Mr.Ibrahim Wata.
+226-7647-1708.

You drive a hard bargain, Mr. Wata. I am ready to accept your 35 percent offer if -- and this is a big "if" -- you will throw in a large box of Milkbone dog biscuits at the completion of this transaction. It should be sent via UPS Priority Shipping. If you will consent to this minor concession, I will be willing to facilitate this transfer of funds. I believe this could be a great opportunity, both for you and your partner and for my congregation.
Best regards,
Mugsy
Supreme Ayatollah
Pug Life Ministries

P.S. -- Can you guarantee that my personal banking information will be safe in your hands? It occurs to me that this might be a slightly risky endeavour.

Our big break

I am in negotiations regarding an exciting new partnership that could bring immense financial rewards to the ministry. Details to come ...

Mugsy takes Manhattan

I have returned from New York with much to share -- travel photos, souvenirs, possible news of an exciting and well-deserved boycott. But first, I will turn to the issue that took me to New York: the push for Pugistan. I know you have all been waiting for details with baited, rawhide-scented breath, so here is a brief recap.

I strode to the U.N. headquarters in Manhattan. Out in front, the flags of 191 nations billowed in the stiff East River breeze. My goal was to add No. 192. I walked past the crowd of tourists to the VIP (Very Important Pug) entrance. Security was tight on this momentous day. After running my collar and turban through the X-ray machine, I passed through the metal detector and entered the complex, where I was greeted by Secretary-General Kofi Annan. He took me to a private room, where I looked over my speech one last time. My big moment awaited.

Ninety minutes later, the U.N. General Assembly fell silent. My mother led me to the stage and tied my leash to the lectern. It was now or never. I made an impassioned appeal for support. I told the assembled nations of the plight of millions of disenfranchised canines, of our manifest destiny to finally claim the territory that our forefathers had marked. I asked for their support on humanitarian, economic and religious grounds. But I made it clear that Pugistan would become a reality with or without the backing of the international community. "You are either with us or against us!" I barked. All eyes were fixed upon me as I banged my mother's shoe on the lectern three times for emphasis. These diplomats could see that I meant business. And then, in one final symbolic show of strength, I ate the shoe.

Holding down the fort

My intelligence operatives have detected some disturbing "chatter" over the last 24 hours. It seems that certain groups are hoping to take advantage of my absence while I am in New York. Did they really think I would leave my estate unguarded? And did they think I was kidding when I defended my domestic surveillance program? Although I could have let these infidels find out the hard way -- by nursing a pair of puncture wounds on their backsides -- I am a merciful pug. So I will tell you about Cleveland. This brave lieutenant in the Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF) has volunteered to patrol the grounds of the ayatollah compound while I am away. His highly trained sniffer can detect burglars or U.N. nuclear inspectors from 500 yards away. And just look at his face: Even with a bow on his head, it is clear that he means business. Believe me, infidels, you do not want to cross Lt. Cleveland. He is a true patriot for the canine cause who made his bones fighting alongside Supreme Commander Brody in the Phat Dog Down conflict. Consider yourselves warned.

Taking a bite out of the Big Apple

I am leaving for New York on Saturday to drum up support for our Pugistan secession movement. I will address the U.N. General Assembly next week. The French seem quite receptive to the idea, but Condoleezza Rice will no doubt try to thwart our plans. Does anybody have any suggestions on what to see or do in Manhattan while I'm not engaging in diplomacy?

The dream has a name

The longest-running election in modern history has come to a close, my friends. The canines have spoken. Freedom, thy name is Pugistan. When I started this blog, I had two goals: unspeakable wealth and the formation of an autonomous pug homeland in the American Southwest. We are 0 for 2 so far, but at least our future global superpower now has a name. Other nations will look up to Pugistan as a beacon of canine freedom. They will quake before our military might. And if we play our cards right, God willing, they will send us billions in foreign aid. The dream of Pugistan is closer than you think to becoming a reality. To borrow an analogy from my April Fool’s Day joke, we are like a bowling ball rolling slowly down the lane. Sometimes, it takes a while to reach the pins. But only a supreme weakling’s roll will lose its momentum and stop mid-lane. And I am no weakling -- just ask anyone who has played tug-of-war with me. Pugistan is our destiny.

But Pugistan is not our only destiny. What began as a pug secessionist movement has blossomed into an all-encompassing quest for canine nationhood. As one of this blog’s longest-serving and most respected readers pointed out, Pug Life Ministries is not just for pugs anymore. Our ranks include bulldogs and schnauzers, Jack Russell terriers and weimaraners, Brittany spaniels and Boston terriers. And don’t forget the beloved mutts. Every breed imaginable is represented in this congregation.

So Pugistan is only the beginning. We will form a federation of canine states, with open borders among them and free trade and universal access to rawhide. Perhaps we will call our federation the United Canine Emirates, or maybe another name will emerge. The name isn’t what matters; the important thing is that Pugistan will be but one of many canine states, from sea to shining sea.

Can you smell that smell, my friends? It is the future.

What is this world coming to?

WASHINGTON (AP) – A cargo plane chartered by the Girl Scouts of America was stolen in a daring mid-air hijacking Wednesday, and officials say it vanished without a trace. The massive jet was transporting over 1 million Girl Scout cookies to troops serving in Iraq.

The three crew members, found hanging by their parachutes from a tree in Hampton, Va., said they were forced to jump from the Boeing 747-400 at about 20,000 feet. They were all unharmed.

The crew members said they heard scratching noises on the door leading from the cockpit to the cargo bay, and when the co-pilot went to check on the noise, a team of stocky, black-clad assailants stormed the cockpit.

The pilot, who asked not to be identified because he feared for his life, said he spotted a small red biplane flying dangerously close to the cargo jet shortly before the hijacking occurred.

"I know this sounds crazy," he said, "but it looked like a white beagle was flying the plane."

Risky business

As I read about Iran's successful enrichment of uranium, all I could think about was one thing: My fellow ayatollahs are going to have a hard time finding affordable health insurance for these dancers.

"As part of the ceremony, costumed dancers performed on the stage, holding aloft vials of raw uranium and also chanting 'Allahu akbar.'"