Another day, another repair bill

Wendell and I are locked outside while the repairman fixes our washer. Oh, the indignity. But at least my turban will be spotless for the weekend. 

Judgment Day Carnival

The Rev. Mugnus ver Mugnusson, pastor of the Evangelical Christian Independent Family Radio Broadcaster wing of Pug Life Ministries, has asked me to pass along the following message:

In celebration of my prophecy that today -- May 21, 2011-- will bring the return of Jesus Christ and the beginning of the End of Days, the ministry is sponsoring a Judgment Day Carnival. The carnival will feature a buffet lunch (arrive early if you want to make sure you finish your dessert), games for the kiddos, a face-painting booth and a feline dunk tank. The cost to enter is $25 per person and $10 per pet. This may seem a bit steep, but remember: You can't take it with you! All proceeds will benefit the construction fund for our planned Dogloo fellowship hall. 

As with past Judgment Day Carnivals, the ministry is suspending its typical installment payment plan. To enter, you must pay in full at the door. 

Forbidden love

"My Bunny amore, pretty little one that I adore ..."

With the addition of little brother Wendell to our family in 2007, I sharply cut back on my chew-toy play. It wasn't so much that I didn't like my toys anymore; it was more a matter of the younger pug swooping in and grabbing whatever toy I showed an interest in. I like to slowly work my way into a play session, sniffing at my toys, poking at their squeakers and charming them with my sultry tail wag and slow-burn flirtation. Having Wendell around has made this exceedingly difficult. So with the exception of the occasional romantic rendezvous with my stuffed-panda concubine (from whom wild horses couldn't drag me away), I mostly leave the chew toys to Wendell now. 

I don't mind, really. There is no resentment toward the young fellow, no ill will. Allah knows that I've had my share of good times with the chew toys, and I'm content to sit back and watch him play as I receive an ear scratch from the humans or chew some rawhide. 

"Thank you, Allah."

But with my landmark 10th birthday and its accompanying national holiday coming up, father decided to buy me a new chew toy of my very own. He waited until Wendell was outside before removing Bunny from her Target sack and placing her on the floor before me. She squeaked seductively, her clean new fur glistening. "Is she for me?" I asked, my tail wag quickening. "She's quite fetching." Our brief introduction was interrupted by Wendell scratching at the door, and father scooped her up and vowed that she would return. And so it was that when Wendell dashed outside later to bark at some pedestrians, Bunny and I reunited. Feeling more energetic now, I sank my teeth into Bunny and tossed her to and fro, embarking on a clandestine relationship as my brother patrolled the fence line outside. I sometimes wonder what young Wendell would think of my secret chew-mistress. Would he approve? Would he be jealous? Would he try to steal her away? Perhaps someday I will introduce them. But for now, she is all mine. 

NOTE: The preceding photo montage is best viewed while
listening to Herman's Hermits' "I'm Into Something Good."

Party animals

Wilbur (left) and Mugsy await a well-deserved treat.

My business-minded friend Wilbur the Pug, a shopkeeper in Plano, is celebrating his 10th birthday this weekend. I, too, turn 10 this weekend -- on Sunday. As I told Wilbur, Allah was having an exceptionally good week in early April of 2001. 


Wilbur threw a birthday soiree at his Woof store today, so Wendell and I donned our finest bandanna partywear, piled into the ayatollahmobile and went to visit him. As a present, we wrapped a bow around a pristine stick of rawhide, that most precious material known to pug. Don't worry, my flock -- father assured me that there was plenty more in the compound and that we would not run out. 


Upon arriving, we found Wilbur greeting customers, making sales and extracting biscuits from his mother. He is a shrewd one. A table was set up with cake for human and canine alike, and Wendell and I were able to sample our first-ever slice. Wanting to savor this moment, I naturally chose to scoop up the entire piece of cake in my mouth at once. This left little room to actually chew, however, so the ingestion process took longer than anticipated as the humans nervously hovered over me. Wendell opted for smaller bites taken at supersonic speed. My flock, I am pleased to report that both approaches produced satisfying results. 


As we finished off our cake, someone noticed that some crumbs and icing remained on the floor and appeared poised to reach for a mop or paper towels. But mother assured her this would not be necessary. As a woman who has not had to mop our kitchen floor in years, she knew: Though Wendell and I may be messy eaters, we always clean up after ourselves. 

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

God willing, I will consume some green rawhide today. 

Mugsy testifies before Congress: Part II

Rep. Peter King warily eyes a contingent of puppy dogs. 

The following is Part II of a transcript, provided by the Library of Congress, of Mugsy's testimony Thursday before the House Homeland Security Committee. He was subpoenaed to testify by Rep. Peter King, the New York Republican who organized the hearing on "Muslim-American radicalization." Mugsy's comments are translated to English. To read Part I of this post, click here.

REP. KING: All right, so Mr. Mugsy, as a leading figure of the muslin [sic] community, you must be aware of everything that happens in the terrorist underworld, the various actions of al-Qaeda and other radical muslin groups plotting against this country.

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: No, I have no such knowledge. I would not associate with such infidels.

REP. KING: You see, this is the problem. There are Muslim leaders in this country that do not cooperate with law enforcement. ...

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: If I may interject, wouldn't this be a good issue for the FBI and other law enforcement agencies to address? I notice that nobody from the FBI is scheduled to testify. Were they unwilling to play along with your narrative, given the utter lack of evidence you've provided to back up your claims? A study released last month by the University of North Carolina found that fully 40 percent of extremist plots in the U.S. in recent years were thwarted thanks to the help of Muslim Americans.

REP. KING: Now you wait just a minute here, pug. I will ask the questions at this hearing. As I was saying, we have the reality that al-Qaeda is trying to recruit Muslim Americans, and yet we have people in the Muslim community who refuse to face up to this.

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: So you're saying that if a Muslim American has knowledge of a terrorist or a terrorist sympathizer in our midst, he should come forth and speak against that person?

REP. KING: Absolutely.

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: (Whispers to attorney)

SAUL GOODMAN: Mr. Chairman, my client tells me that he has direct knowledge of a terrorist sympathizer in this very room. But I want to make sure that this panel really wants him to provide the information in this public setting.

REP. KING: Of course we want him to provide the information! Who is it? Who? Who?!

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: (Whispers to attorney)

SAUL GOODMAN: Mr. Chairman, my client would like to bring in a German shorthaired pointer to assist him. As a pug, his breeding is not ideal for the task at hand. Plus, as any visitor who has tried to leave his compound only to be blocked by a barking ayatollah has found, he has a flair for the dramatic.

REP. KING: Fine, just get on with it.

A file photo of Bennie the Pointer
practicing his technique.

BENNIE THE POINTER: [Joins the ayatollah at his table after being sworn in. The two greet one another with a typical canine sniffing ritual.]

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: Ladies and gentlemen of Congress, there is a man in this room who is a longtime supporter of a group that has been blamed in the deaths of hundreds of civilians and soldiers allied with the U.S. The group also killed an American in a car bombing outside a department store. Many of the victims of this group were shot because of their Christian faith. This terrorist sympathizer has rationalized his support for the group, arguing that its political aims made civilian deaths acceptable. Bennie, if you would ...

BENNIE THE POINTER: [Stands on the table, raises his paw and points his nose in the direction of Rep. King.]

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: That man, of course, is Rep. King, the chairman of this committee. But you all already knew that. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to be going. Unlike the members of Congress, I don't wish to waste any more of my time.

Mugsy testifies before Congress

The following is a transcript, provided by the Library of Congress, of Mugsy's testimony Thursday before the House Homeland Security Committee. He was subpoenaed to testify by Rep. Peter King, the New York Republican who organized the hearing on "Muslim-American radicalization." Mugsy's comments are translated to English.

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen of Salem, er, Washington. I assume that you must have had a good reason for rousing me from my nap, given the many challenges facing this country. How may I help you today?

Rep. Peter King, R-N.Y., tenses up
at the sight of an elderly woman
in a hijab.

REP. KING: Please state your name, age and occupation.

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: I am Mugsy, supreme ayatollah of Pug Life Ministries. I am 9 years old.

REP. KING: And you're a ... a dog, correct?

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: That is correct, Sen. McCar, er, Rep. King.

REP. KING: Before we get down to business, would you like to make any statements?

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: My lawyer advised me to cooperate fully with your inquisition, er, investigation. It is my understanding that you believe you are investigating some sort of existential threat to the United States of America, perhaps some kind of fluoridation plot? I confess that I am fuzzy on the details. But I want to make it known that I stand ready to refute any charges against me. And if it becomes necessary, I am fully capable of floating in a tub of water for prolonged periods of time to disprove any accusations of witchcraft. But let the record show that I am not a fan of bathtime and would strongly prefer to avoid such an outcome.

REP. KING: Duly noted. Mr. Mugsy, it says here that you are a self-avowed "terrierist." Is this true? And if so, please explain yourself.

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: Yes, I am fond of all terriers. Especially Bostons. What could be more American than that?

REP. KING: Now wait just a minute! Terrierism is a serious issue ...

AYATOLLAH MUGSY: Mr. Chairman, you can't actually spell, can you?

REP. YVETTE CLARK: Um, perhaps we shouldn't stray off course here. This hearing is embarrassing enough to the House as it is. 

To be continued ...

Ministry fundraiser

Ladies of the congregation, dig deep into your purses and pocketbooks. What kind of dowry would you offer for such a handsome pug? True, young Wendell isn't much of a provider, and he may well steal the food off your plate. But at the same time, he will surely steal your heart. 


Please submit your sealed bids by next Monday. Up to four winners may be selected.

Tide turns on protesters

The chew toys were hopeful as their protests got under way. 

DALLAS (AP) -- Photos and news accounts have begun to trickle out from the chew toy demonstrations that launched during the last week of January. Journalists had been stymied by a series of crippling winter storms and a media crackdown by Ayatollah Mugsy, the autocratic dictator whose rule the stuffed toys have protested.

Evil Monkey was
believed to be a key
leader of the protests.
His current location
and condition are
unknown. 

"We expected the region to put its best foot forward and clear the ice off the roads quickly, especially with the Super Bowl in town," said Tim Overman, a photographer with The Associated Press. "Unfortunately, this did not happen. Perhaps now the city of Frisco has realized that sand and salt are needed for the roads, not piles of potting soil."


From the Dallas suburb's newly muddy streets has emerged a portrait of despair, as chew toys appear to be faltering badly in their bid to repeat the recent successes of protesters in Tunisia and Egypt. Chew toy refugees described a scene of carnage, and of hope lost. 


"We made a big mistake," wheezed one monkey, his voice barely audible thanks to a punctured squeaker suffered in the melee that ensued once Wendell the Pug awoke from his nap and raced outside to break up the demonstration. Wendell is the brother of Ayatollah Mugsy and a key figure in Pug Life Ministries. The monkey, who spoke on condition of anonymity, left a trail of cotton in the mud as he limped away. 


In the early hours of the protests, the chew toys felt emboldened by their lack of opposition. Many spoke of a "velvet revolution," in which their peaceful chants would lead to Ayatollah Mugsy's regime crumbling away. They did not anticipate the harsh retribution that awaited them. As Wendell swooped down on the scene on camelback and began dismembering the demonstrators in rapid succession, witnesses said, his mother began to blast the protesters with a water cannon. 


But neighbors, befuddled by the bizarre scene, said it was possible that the stuffed toys were merely "collateral damage" as she sought to water the plants. 

A next-door neighbor captured the only photos of the crackdown
on demonstrators. She called the scene "disturbing."

Demonstrations heat up

DALLAS (AP) -- The chew-toy protests escalated early Sunday, as furry demonstrators refused to obey an emergency curfew and clashed briefly with Pug Life Ministries enforcer Wendell the Pug. Shortly after midnight, demonstrators set fire to one of Wendell's tennis balls, a provocative act sure to inflame tensions between canines and their once-subservient toys. 


"Burn, ball, burn!" the demonstrators chanted, reveling in the tennis ball's demise and their small victory over Ayatollah Mugsy, the pug whose iron-pawed rule they have railed against. 


International observers said the chew toys' increasingly violent rhetoric and actions could backfire. 


"Once Wendell gets a whiff of that burned rubber, watch out," said Doug Jordan, an expert in geopolitical affairs with Stratfor.com, a global intelligence firm. "The chew toys may have won the battle, but I suspect they'll lose the war -- badly. The pugs are probably just napping now."

Still, others pointed out that the chew toys, riding a wave of international uprisings, had gained more traction than at any point since the failed Bullshevik revolution of 2007. 


"The moment appears ripe for the toys to finally win some measure of autonomy," said Fay Dugan of the Chew Toy Anti-Defamation League, a Washington-based advocacy organization. "Mugsy doesn't really play with them that much anymore, aside from his panda concubine. He's more of a rawhide kind of pug now. He may be willing to make some concessions."


But concessions have never been the ayatollah's style. The fiery pug is known for his unyielding demeanor and his harsh crackdowns against those he deems a threat to his rule. Among his most notable acts have been the 2010 abduction of actor Gene Hackman in a dispute with Lowe's home improvement stores and an ongoing clash with the International Atomic Energy Agency, which says the ayatollah is holding three of its inspectors hostage in his kitchen freezer. 


In an ominous sign, the chew toys reported shortly after 1 a.m. that they could no longer organize their efforts via Twitter or Facebook after the ayatollah ordered that his compound's Wi-Fi password be changed. 

Chew toys protest Mugsy's rule

DALLAS (AP) -- Emboldened by the recent uprisings in Tunisia and Egypt, chew toys in suburban Dallas took to the patio Saturday to protest the rule of Ayatollah Mugsy. 


Dozens of stuffed animals and other creatures, many bearing the tell-tale scars of life under the ayatollah, waved signs and chanted slogans against the autocratic canine ruler. Protesters called on the international community and the U.S. State Department to support them in their bid to overthrow the pug, who they say has ruled with an iron paw for nearly a decade. 

"Ayatollah Mugsy has cotton on his paws," said one stuffed zebra, who declined to give his name for fear of retribution. 


Political analysts said that although the chew toys sought to draw parallels with the uprising in Egypt, their cause might be less likely to generate widespread public support.


"The Egyptian people are oppressed by Hosni Mubarak, who has staged a series of sham elections over the last 30 years to rubber-stamp his dictatorial rule. He has raided his country's economy to become a multi-billionaire while the Egyptian people live on an average wage of $1,800 a year. He has denied the Egyptian people their basic human rights and freedoms," said Fred Gullerson, a political science professor at Southern Methodist University. "This pug, on the other hand -- Ayatollah Mugsy -- is just flat-out adorable. Whereas Mubarak is extremely unpopular, Mugsy's policies enjoy widespread support among the canine street. Plus, I think the prevailing sentiment is that chew toys are meant to be chewed upon."

But don't tell that to Bennie the Beaver, who kicked along a sign that read "No more innocent cotton spilled" as he marched against the ayatollah's regime on Saturday. "I can't carry the sign, because that damn pug ate my paws," Bennie said. He then tried in vain to make an obscene gesture toward the ayatollah's compound.

Officials with Ayatollah Mugsy's Pug Life Ministries declined to comment, but some observers said he appeared visibly shaken as he watched the demonstration from the safety of his fortified lair. 


At the United Nations, Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon pleaded for restraint. But the ayatollah is known for responding harshly to challenges to his rule. His younger brother Wendell has become the ministry's de facto enforcer and is reputed to have dismembered more than 1,000 chew toys in a single day, all without skipping his customary naptimes. 


"His lust for cotton is the stuff of legend," said SMU's Gullerson. "Or should I say, 'stuffing.'"

Where the Twain shall delete

The literary world has been abuzz with news that a publisher plans to censor Mark Twain's classic Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn books, replacing the N-word with the non-synonym "slave" to avoid offending readers. Many school districts have shied away from the books because of the language, and NewSouth Books hopes the change will help it sell more copies.

Let's just make that a lollipop in Huck's mouth. 

As any good ayatollah would tell you, censorship is the next best thing to a book-burning, so I am whole-heartedly on board with this endeavor. But I believe the planned changes do not go far enough. So I submit these additional alterations for the publisher's consideration.

1. Surely any reasonable person would agree that no word, no matter how vile, could be as offensive as the institution of slavery itself. So the decision to call Jim a slave is problematic. It would be best to simply turn his character into a cheerful neighbor. 
2. No student should be exposed to the evils of Huck's alcoholic father; after all, teenagers are too young to drink. So Pap Finn should instead simply have an affinity for apple juice. God willing, the publisher could even seek a corporate tie-in with Motts to fill its coffers. 
3. It could be said that Twain's original language reflected the times he lived in and contributed to an authentic portrayal of the era. But today's teens should not be burdened with uncomfortable history. Instead, we should update the story to make it more relatable. Instead of going to Tom's house, Huck could send him a text message. "OMG, did u c wat becky wuz wearin 2nite?!"

'Don't touch my junk' cries grow louder

"Hey, slow down, Bub. We just met."

DALLAS (AP) -- A new rallying cry has shaken the dog show circuit to its core, as canine participants are rebelling against entrenched judging practices. That rallying cry? "Don't touch my junk!"


Canines in at least a dozen shows over the last three weeks have barked their disapproval over what they viewed as invasive pat-downs by judges. Many of the dogs filmed their tirades and posted them on YouTube, and sympathetic bloggers have taken up their cause. 


The movement began in late November, when a bulldog named Max at a Chicago-area dog show growled at his handler and a judge and barked, "If you touch my junk, I'll have you arrested!" The bulldog captured the incident on his mobile phone, and the video has gone viral. 


Dog show organizers say the pat-downs are necessary to adequately judge contestants and ensure they are of good breeding stock. And some handlers say they need to get hands-on to put their dogs in the best position to win. But the American Civil Liberties Union has called the inspections "an assault on our dogs' Fourth Amendment rights, or at the very least, an assault on good taste." 


One organizer of the prestigious Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that a controversial canine imam has been stoking the flames.


"Ayatollah Mugsy, this radical pug based in the U.S., is directly responsible for the outrage," the source said. "He's directing all this anger from behind the scenes. His sermons are extremely influential in the canine community."


Officials with the ayatollah's Pug Life Ministries declined interview requests, but they issued a prepared statement asserting canines' right to the "sanctity of our junk."

Surely Allah can't be serious

We at Pug Life Ministries mourn the loss of Leslie Nielsen, an honorary pug and one of the finest actors of our time. 

Torture allegations surface

WASHINGTON (AP) -- International rights groups on Tuesday condemned Pug Life Ministries for engaging in an interrogation procedure that they called torture. 


Ayatollah Mugsy, the spiritual leader of Pug Life Ministries, announced his intentions late Monday to "slobberboard" a chew toy. Slobberboarding is a technique in which a person or chew toy is immobilized before having his or her face covered in slobber in a manner that simulates drowning. The technique is typically carried out by bulldogs, mastiffs and other drool-prone dog breeds. In Monday's case, however, the ayatollah said he planned to carry out the slobberboarding himself. 

Officials at the ministry did not return calls seeking comment. 

Slobberboarding has been a source of controversy since 2005, when then-Vice President Dick Cheney personally slobberboarded a suspected al-Qaeda terrorist at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Cheney insisted that slobberboarding was a benign, albeit somewhat unsanitary, form of interrogation and not a torture method. The American Civil Liberties Union filed a lawsuit on behalf of the prisoner, though a federal court has yet to rule in the case. The American Chewtoy Liberties Union said it was contemplating taking action in the latest case. 

In Washington, a spokesman for President Barack Obama declined to discuss the Pug Life controversy or to answer media questions about whether the United States still engages in slobberboarding. Vice President Joe Biden was believed to be crafting an embarrassing response. 

The hunt for justice

The ministry has recently found itself attacked by "phishermen," criminals who were angling to break into my Facebook account. This forced me to change my password and raise the ministry's collective hackles to DEFCON 3. The incident is reminiscent of the time when another infidel sought to take over the ministry's accounts. Needless to say, it did not end well for him.

The Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF) has been out rounding up suspects, and I personally have taken on the task of interrogating an infidel chew toy. He hasn't talked yet, bound by the code of chew-toy Omerta. But I'm expecting his squeaker to loosen up a little when I move on to the next step: slobberboarding.

Mugsy's rules for trick-or-treaters

Hello, boys and ghouls of the congregation. Today is Halloween, and I have prepared a ridiculously large bowl of candy for the trick-or-treaters. This is important, not so much because we need ample candy for the neighborhood children, but because we want to have leftovers to enjoy ourselves. In order to promote an orderly trick-or-treating experience, I am publishing the following ground rules:

1. The typical trick-or-treater may take two pieces of candy.
2. The really cutes ones may take three or four. (Life is not fair, my flock.)
3. The trick-or-treaters with facial hair, no costumes and deeper voices than father may choose their treat from a specially prepared separate bowl filled with aging packets of Parmesan cheese and crushed red pepper from Domino's Pizza. (Refer to Section 2 of Item No. 2 above.)
4. Those who are afraid of two costumed, barking dogs may go home empty-handed. But the bone-chilling scare is on us. 

UPDATE: I have found two packets of Arby's Sauce and added them to the bowl for Category 3 above. None may question my generosity. 

A curly tail and uncommon valor

The Pug Life Medal of Valor is a prize reserved for only the bravest and most heroic among us. Only those who save a life, donate large sums of money to the ministry, or are able to board a plane alongside people in Muslim garb without the slightest hint of nervousness are even considered. And of those, only a select few are deemed worthy of the medal, the highest honor that the ministry bestows to non-family members. (The ministry has no rules against nepotism, as evidenced by my brother Wendell's recent Scholar of the Year award.)


Today, my flock, I am proud to introduce to you a canine who has passed all the tests, proving himself worthy of our respect and admiration. Today, I present the Medal of Valor to the esteemed Kook the Pug. Kook's tale of heroism began in the wee hours of the morning in Denver, Colo. As an apartment fire raged, fed by the mile-high air, the complex's residents slept. All except young Kook. The 8-month-old knew something was terribly wrong. And confined as he was in his cage, he did the only thing he could do: He raised a ruckus. The pug sounded the alarm and rattled his cage until, at around 4 a.m., his human took notice and awoke from his slumber to find the north side of the building engulfed in flames. Illustrating a fundamental difference between humans and dogs, Kook's caretaker said his first reaction was to ensure the safety of a $500 bonus check in his apartment. Once that task was taken care of, he went to warn his neighbors. 


Because of Kook's heroism, nobody was injured in the blaze. The fire was contained within one unit of the building, where the owner was away on vacation, and the complex's other residents were able to safely return to their homes. 


"Kook is a real hero, as far as I'm concerned," said caretaker Patrick Vigil. I agree. Now why not go spend part of that bonus check on a big stick of rawhide for the pup?

A disturbing development

Upon further inspection, my flock, the situation is worse than I'd initially thought. The nomads are using young children as "human shields." The youths appear to be confined in the castle and are jumping about feverishly in a futile effort to escape. What savagery the enemy displays! This may put a damper on my plan to have father fire up the Hemi and burst through the nomads' traffic barriers in an attempt to break the bridge blockade. A subtler solution may be required.

Territorial challenge

My flock, it appears that I face a challenge for neighborhood supremacy. A band of nomads have, seemingly overnight, erected a castle in the center of Hillcrest Estates. Even worse, the nomads built their fortress on a strategic bridge that provides the easiest route from the ayatollah compound to PetSmart, the dog park and other key locations. They have placed cones at both ends of the bridge to bar all vehicular traffic. This is a clear act of defiance; for I have made numerous territorial claims on this bridge over the last seven years. Wendell and I are preparing to go in for a closer look. God willing, these interlopers will be cast out.

Grand Opening/Going Out of Business sale

Can it be true?!? Am I offering 15 percent off my already low, low prices?! I must be INSAAAAANE!!! Yes, I'm Crazy Muggy, with a deal too good to be true!! For two days only, enter promo code FAVES at the Pug Life Ministries Gift Shop, and you could get a moderate discount!! Bad credit? NO PROBLEM! No shoes, no shirt? NO PROBLEM! I'm stacking them deep and selling them cheap! I've got T-shirts, stationery, magnets, mugs, classic harem-wear thong underwear with my face on it -- I must be LOSING MY MIND! So don't delay; visit Crazy Muggy's store today, where the prices are INSAAAANE!!!!

CLICK HERE to visit the gift shop.

The sights of Pug-O-Ween

This year's Pug-O-Ween was a feast for the eyes (and I love a feast). Nearly 500 dogs turned out, many dressed in creative and colorful costumes. The collage above features a small sampling, with such winners as the headless pug queen, the Coney Island hot dog-eating contestants and Marvin the Martian, plus a look at Wendell and me relaxing without our helmets. 


What you will NOT see in the collage or elsewhere on this blog is any reference to Wendell's entry in the event's first-ever pug races, nor any mention of the fact that he has still yet to cross the finish line. No, we shall not speak of that ...

Big decision

After much careful consideration, I have decided to lift the Armed Revolutionary Forces' (ARF) controversial "don't ask, don't smell" policy. Given canines' natural greeting tendencies, it had become too difficult to enforce. The change takes effect immediately, so feel free to sniff away, troops. 

Pug-O-Ween prize

I have returned from my nearly two-week western road trip, during which I attended a canine suffrage conference in Taos, exhibited my artwork at a show in Santa Fe and climbed the tallest sand dune in North America in southern Colorado. But my crowning achievement would come upon my arrival back in North Texas. For before I even set foot in the compound, I made a pilgrimage to Grapevine for the 14th annual Pug-O-Ween. This highest of pug holy days had been marked on my calendar since 2008, because I am just that detail-oriented. (One does not attain the lofty rank of ayatollah without careful planning. I even know what I'll be eating for breakfast three months and six days from today: Iams Weight Management Dog Food. Can you say the same about your breakfast? I didn't think so. Slacker.) 


But not only did I make an appearance at Pug-O-Ween, my flock -- I finally won the ribbon that has eluded me lo these many years. Wendell and I placed third in the grueling Ghoulish Groups category! Allahu akbar! The previous two years, we had been denied a prize, despite mother's visionary innovation of the gnome pug beard in 2008 and father's somewhat less visionary but still visually stunning innovation of the yellow highlighter-colored Viking pug beard in 2009. Both years, we thought we had a chance. But both years, we were denied by a panel of Communist bloc judges who, for whatever reason, felt that "bribery" was somehow wrong. 


Because of these past defeats, we entered 2010 with limited expectations. We knew we would sniff some friends, old and new, and spread the word of Pug Life Ministries, and this was enough for us. So the ribbon was icing on the cake, as the humans like to say. Or, as I call it, Parmesan on the kibble. We were honored to take home a prize at the biggest Pug-O-Ween ever, which attracted nearly 500 pugs (and several other breeds, including my good schnauzer friend Sarge) for the worthy cause of raising money for DFW Pug Rescue. 


"So what were the costumes?" you must be asking, about to pass out from the sheer suspense. We were warriors from ancient Rome! 

"Carpe Milkbone!"

"He who is brave is free. And hungry."

"Begone from my sidewalk, Thracian scum! 
I will see you die in the arena!"

"I have led legions of pugs and conquered the whole
of Europe. And now I demand payment -- in rawhide!"

I won't lie, my flock. The power that I feel when I don this costume is immense and, as you may have noticed from the progression of the photo captions above, intoxicating. Yesterday evening, shortly after this photo shoot, Wendell and I enslaved several of the neighbors and forced them to battle in our makeshift driveway colosseum for sport. It wasn't until the elderly Jim pulled a hamstring that I realized I might be getting a tad overzealous. Of course, that doesn't mean I'll cancel tonight's bout. But I will definitely find some younger combatants. The grade-schoolers down the street seem flexible enough. 

"Ah, the spoils of victory."

Mugsy issues interactive fatwa

In 2008, the world financial system nearly suffered a meltdown, tugged to the brink of destruction in large part by the bad decisions of inept mortgage bankers. As my ongoing refinance shows, such incompetence is still alive and well. What began in late August as an attempt to take advantage of the lowest interest rates since the 1950s -- and thereby save some money while paying off the compound earlier -- has evolved into an exercise in idiocy. The sins of the bankers are many, but among the most egregious are these:

"I think I'll just toss those
mortgage papers into the
fire and play another game
of Solitaire."

• After we painstakingly filled out every section of the application, the loan officer butchered it. Among other things, he switched our race from "I do not wish to answer" to "non-Hispanic white," despite having never seen us in person. My flock, have you seen Wendell? This is most offensive. He also omitted all the ministry's assets that we had listed except for our checking account funds -- no stocks, no mutual funds, no retirement accounts, no vehicles -- just the cash in our account. And he altered father's employment history in such a way that we would later receive a call from the bank asking why the results of its employment check didn't match what was on the application.
• For long periods of time, the mortgage lenders appeared to completely forget about our application, even though we'd agreed to close on the loan by the end of September. Only when I e-mailed them did they lurch back into action. At one point, I asked about the appraisal, convinced that things were taking far too long. When the loan officer replied, he said that the appraisal had been ordered a week before. Within 15 minutes, the appraiser called to schedule an appointment. I'm convinced that had I not asked, I would still be waiting.
• The mortgage company contacted our insurer and had our policy changed to name it as the titleholder several weeks ago -- even though we were nowhere near closing on the loan.
• The deadline of our 30-day interest rate lock came and went without any response to my e-mails. Then, finally, a loan processor called to say that we'd been approved and that we could close the following Thursday. The only problem: Since they'd taken so long, their preferred close date conflicted with a planned vacation. I explained this and asked if there was a way we could work around our trip. The woman said she'd call back later that day. She never did.
• Fast-forward three days later: The same woman calls. "You're approved for the refi," she says. "How does Thursday sound for the closing?" "ARE YOU KIDDING ME, INFIDEL!?! I WILL SMASH YOUR FACE INTO A JELLY!!!" I thought as I calmly explained to her that I was going to be out of town that day. And that I'd told her the exact same thing three days earlier. 
• Later in the day, I received an e-mail from Infidel No. 1. "Yes, we can extend your rate lock until you get back. We've absorbed part of the cost, but there will be an additional $155 fee. How would you like to pay that?"

I was flabbergasted. I was outraged. I was livid. And yes, my flock, I was in a fatwa-issuing rage. The infidels have left me no choice! God willing, they will know justice! They will be punished! And they will pitch in their own $155 for the privilege of collecting thousands of dollars of interest from me over the next 15 years, or they will pay the consequences!!! 

This is where you come in, my flock. For this is no ordinary affront. This whole ordeal has touched a nerve, like the kind that makes a dog's legs kick uncontrollably when the humans find that spot near his armpit. (Or legpit. Whatever the correct anatomical term is. In my current fiery rage, I cannot be bothered to look it up.) This crime against the ministry demands the attention of the full congregation. That is right, my furry and not-so-furry disciples: You must choose the punishment!

I have posted a poll at the side of the page. Please take the time to do your part and vote. The will of the congregation will be the law.  Justice demands it. Vengeance demands it. Your ayatollah demands it. 

OU 28, Texas 20

Today was a good day. 

Wendell agrees.