Occupy Pugistan protests gain momentum

An Occupy Pugistan protester airs his grievances.

DALLAS (AP) -- The ever-growing Occupy Wall Street protest movement has expanded to a place few thought it would ever go: the Islamic canine republic of Pugistan.


Since Friday afternoon, a small but squeaky group of chew-toy demonstrators has been camped out at the front curb of the suburban Dallas compound of Ayatollah Mugsy, the founder of Pug Life Ministries and the spiritual father of the breakaway republic. Protests have largely focused on Wall Street and not the ayatollah's iron-pawed rule.


"Wall Street's corruption must be stopped," squeaked one teddy bear, who bore the tell-tale signs of the ayatollah's abuse. One of his eyes hung loosely down his cheek, and his wheezing squeak betrayed serious internal injuries. "Whenever the S&P 500 drops, the ayatollah's cruelty increases exponentially. Every time his 401(k) loses money, he takes it out on us chew toys."


The chew toys said that September, when the Dow Jones industrial average suffered multiple triple-digit plunges, was particularly brutal.


"These wild swings on Wall Street are killing us," said another chew toy, who asked not to be identified out of fear of retribution from the ayatollah's regime. He wore a Guy Fawkes mask to conceal his face.


The ayatollah has a history of violently crushing any hint of rebellion from his chew-toy subjects. But as of Sunday afternoon, the ministry had taken no apparent steps to dissuade the protesters. Some analysts speculated that the demonstrations, given their curbside location, had little chance of surviving beyond trash-collection day on Tuesday.


Sources within the ministry, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that Mugsy was content to let the protesters vent their anger toward Wall Street so long as it distracted their focus from the true source of their suffering.

Torture allegations surface

WASHINGTON (AP) -- International rights groups on Tuesday condemned Pug Life Ministries for engaging in an interrogation procedure that they called torture. 


Ayatollah Mugsy, the spiritual leader of Pug Life Ministries, announced his intentions late Monday to "slobberboard" a chew toy. Slobberboarding is a technique in which a person or chew toy is immobilized before having his or her face covered in slobber in a manner that simulates drowning. The technique is typically carried out by bulldogs, mastiffs and other drool-prone dog breeds. In Monday's case, however, the ayatollah said he planned to carry out the slobberboarding himself. 

Officials at the ministry did not return calls seeking comment. 

Slobberboarding has been a source of controversy since 2005, when then-Vice President Dick Cheney personally slobberboarded a suspected al-Qaeda terrorist at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Cheney insisted that slobberboarding was a benign, albeit somewhat unsanitary, form of interrogation and not a torture method. The American Civil Liberties Union filed a lawsuit on behalf of the prisoner, though a federal court has yet to rule in the case. The American Chewtoy Liberties Union said it was contemplating taking action in the latest case. 

In Washington, a spokesman for President Barack Obama declined to discuss the Pug Life controversy or to answer media questions about whether the United States still engages in slobberboarding. Vice President Joe Biden was believed to be crafting an embarrassing response. 

With a bullet

We were ready to go. We had the directions to the town-hall meeting and a full gas tank in the ayatollahmobile. We had our megaphone to shout down opposing viewpoints in a display of our First Amendment rights. We had our talking points -- a prepared speech on the necessity of any health-care reform including universal veterinary care as well as medical care for chew toys. (True, the latter point is controversial, but it is necessary; the faster the chew toys get stitched up, the faster we can ravage them again.) Yes, Wendell and I were ready to raise a ruckus at tonight's health-care town hall. Until we realized that Wendell's M60 machine gun wouldn't fit in his car crate. So disappointing ...

I am so proud of you

DALLAS (AP) -- Police clashed with demonstrators Tuesday in a second straight day of violent protests against the Subway sandwich chain.

Protesters said they were angry over a slight against their supreme ayatollah, Mugsy, the mysterious founder of Pug Life Ministries. "Our imam must be treated with the utmost respect, always," said Robert Barnes, an Oak Cliff dentist. "We demand an apology, and perhaps a free sandwich."

Police Lt. Horace Jebs said the demonstrators in downtown Dallas first chanted anti-Subway slogans and burned an effigy of corporate spokesman Jared Fogle. "But we had to move in and break it up when they tried to ignite a massive pair of jeans," Jebs said. "That could have taken out a whole city block."