Wendell ascends to papacy

VATICAN CITY (AP) -- The Catholic world was stunned Thursday after Pope Pius Pug resigned as vicar of the church, brought down by the spiraling scandal over inappropriate petting in the clergy. 


The Catholic Church then took the extraordinary step of skipping its usual conclave to select a new pope and instead immediately installing a 2-year-old Texas pug named Wendell as the next pontiff. Wendell is believed to be the youngest pope in church history. 


One senior bishop, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the church needed to bring in a "hip, youthful leader" to appeal to Catholics who had begun to feel disgruntled with the previous pontiff. 


In a brief statement delivered from the balcony of St. Peter's Basilica, Wendell said that he'd decided against taking "one of those stodgy old-school pope names" and that he would instead call himself "Popey Dub." Dub is apparently an urban slang word used to refer to the "W" in Wendell.


"I don't know much about this whole Catholic theology thing," the black pug barked. "I'm really more of a ball-chaser and rawhide-chewer. But we'll figure it out.


"I'm really excited to be taking over the church during Holy Week -- I hear it's a big deal. So I'm gonna check through my closets and find my craziest pope outfit, and we're all gonna hide some eggs and celebrate the resurrection of the Easter Bunny in style! Peace out, dudes."

Holiday gift guide: Part III

OFFICIAL AYATOLLAH MUGSY MERCHANDISE

The gift: The Pug Life Ministries Gift Shop offers an assortment of Mugsy-approved merchandise. The store includes stirring propaganda items bearing the intense visage of the ayatollah, official Voting Rights for Canines products, the simple yet profound Got Rawhide? lineup, and the holy offerings from the Vatican Gift Shop, featuring Pope Pius Pug.

Special offer: Today (Sunday, Dec. 6) only, get free shipping on apparel orders of $50 or more by using coupon code WKNDDEAL. Some restrictions may apply.

Cost: Varies. But as Mugsy always says, "Spendliness is next to Godliness." So don't be shy.

Where: www.cafepress.com/ayatollahmugsy

DONATE TO A WORTHY CAUSE

The gift: Instead of buying something for the person who already has everything, why not just donate that money to a worthy cause such as an animal shelter or rescue group? You can often make a donation in the name of the gift recipient or rescue a dog in their name. Worthy causes abound, but some that get the Ayatollah Seal of Approval include DFW Pug Rescue and Operation Kindness.

Cost: As much or as little as you want.

Where: The links above, or google a shelter or rescue group in your area.

DOG SILHOUETTE

The gift: Artisans on the handmade craft site etsy.com are apparently selling custom silhouette images of beloved pets. An example from the sometimes hilarious Web site regretsy.com can be found above. And yes, that was supposed to be a poodle puppy.

Cost: Too much, unless you can do better than this one. If you really want a silhouette, make the ayatollah an offer and he'll consult his Photoshop Sweatshop.

Where: Various merchants on etsy.com.

Announcement regarding Sister Bella

Many of you know the long and sordid story of Bella the Chihuahua. She began her career with Pug Life Ministries' Catholic wing as a nun. She was not exactly sweet, but still, she was fairly innocuous. Somewhere down the line, however, she snapped. Bella returned to her ancestral homeland of Mexico, where she wreaked havoc on unsuspecting villagers as a feared bandit. Even members of the drug cartels cowered before her and the marauding gang that she directed. She was cold and merciless, leaving grievous ankle wounds from the Texas border to Mexico City. Finally, the ministry intervened, sending an elite squad of bulldog commandos to apprehend Bella. Her subsequent exorcism, in which she temporarily killed the pope and very nearly took my own life, was the stuff of both legend and nightmare. But it seemed to be effective -- for a while. Once again, the demons began to take hold of Bella's soul, causing her to lash out at the ministry and viciously attack rock star Tom Petty during last summer's Pug Life Telethon.

She escaped and was later taken into custody by federal authorities, and from there the trail went cold. Despite putting the Armed Revolutionary Forces' top bloodhounds on the case, we were unable to locate her. Until now. Yesterday, one of my top-secret moles within the White House sent me a communique regarding Sister Bella's status. It seems she is being held as an enemy combatant, deemed too dangerous to be allowed in the civilian legal system. She was transported to Jordan under the CIA's "extraordinary rendition" program, where authorities hoped to break her down and gain information from her via questionable interrogation techniques. The Jordanians are noted for their ruthlessness, their cruelty. But in this instance, they found that the blood on their hands was their own -- courtesy of a thousand bites from Bella's razor-sharp teeth. She was returned to the U.S. and sent to a maximum-security holding cell at a U.S. naval brig, where she resides today.

Tonight, I am going to visit Sister Bella. God willing, I will return to tell the tale.

Incident involving the pope

I know that there has been great concern within Pug Life Ministries today over an incident involving Pope Pius Pug. Let me assure you all that he is doing well. The pontiff, head of Pug Life's Catholic wing and my longtime business partner, was going for a spin at the Vatican when a deranged man tried to jump into his popemobile. My sources in the Swiss Guard tell me that this man, a German, was screaming "I must feel the fur! The soft, soft fur!" as he reached out for the pope. Fortunately, members of the pope's ARF security detail were able to quickly wrestle the assailant to the ground, disorienting him with copious amounts of slobber before shackling him with a choke-chain collar.

This man is now being transferred to Syrian custody for "interrogation."