Friday, August 31, 2007
My mother was among those who suggested that $12 million was too much to leave to a dog, which instantly raised my eyebrow. I pray that she misspoke. But father answered that if he were a billionaire, he would absolutely leave behind millions for the care of his only furry son. Then again, father also said that he would build a gleaming Dogloo mosque for all the world's successive generations to marvel at. So in addition to being a true pug patriot, he is one who would be known, under a best-case scenario, as an eccentric.
But enough about my family; I don't want to stray too far from the subject at hand. If you'll excuse me, I have a date with an heiress to arrange.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
Whatever the case, you should know that only one item remains. And its auction time is fleeting. In less than 24 hours, this rare poster will be sold to the highest bidder. Do not subject yourself to pangs of bitter jealousy, my flock; be that highest bidder.
To visit the lone remaining Pug Life auction, which is currently insanely underpriced, click here.
People who are tagged need to write these rules in their
own blogs & share eight things about themselves that others might not know. At the end of their blog post, they need to tag six people and list their (blog) names. Leave a comment on the blogs of the people they’ve chosen telling them they’ve been tagged and encouraging them to come over and read the eight things you’ve written on your blog.
1. I was neutered on the morning of Sept. 11, 2001. It is a date which, for me, will forever live in double infamy.
2. I can leg-press 8,000 pounds. With one leg.
3. I experience a phenomenon that my parents call my "outside smell." It is, as it sounds, a distinctly canine aroma that I pick up after I have spent some time outside. After a few minutes in the compound, it disappears.
4. I enjoy visiting museum gift shops, sometimes more than the museums themselves.
5. I have dabbled in alchemy. Thus far, I have not had success. But I remain optimistic.
6. I love to travel, and I wish that more Americans would take an interest in learning about the world around them instead of just mindlessly repeating jingoistic axioms about this being the greatest country on Earth. I believe that people who express indignant anger over having to "press 1 for English" on the phone or at the ATM would change their tune if they ever found themselves struggling to use a Czech payphone or grateful that someone had stopped to offer directions in the Parisian subway. We are all Allah's creatures, regardless of the languages we speak.
7. For a short time in my puppyhood, I was engaged to Alyssa Milano.
8. Despite my reputation as an iron-pawed, hardline radical cleric, I am a world-class cuddler.
With my work here now complete, I tag the first six bloggers who leave a comment to continue the never-ending meme train. Allah be with you.
Friday, August 24, 2007
When you asked me to appear on your four-part "God's Warriors" series on CNN, I was happy to oblige. Even though I was still recovering from surgery, I invited you into my compound. I showed you priceless religious artifacts. I even let you drink from my water bowl.
And after all this hospitality, what did I find? A hatchet job on national television. You accused the Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF) of committing war crimes against chew toys, yet you know that we canines are not signatories to the Geneva Convention. You portrayed Pug Life as some sort of radical fascist cult, even though I told you explicitly not to bring up such aspects of the ministry. And I gave you my Pug Manifesto expecting that you would read it word for word on the air, yet you made no mention of the document. Am I to believe that a 5,000-page manifesto slipped your mind? And do you know how much it cost to print that on the nice paper at Kinko's? Shame on you, Ms. Amanpour. Shame on you.
Your portrayal of canine Islam, while technically accurate, does not represent the public image that Pug Life Ministries seeks to cultivate. So do not expect my cooperation or courtesy in the future.
Pug Life Ministries
Thursday, August 23, 2007
This is, to my knowledge, the final such masterpiece that the ministry will be auctioning off. Because of the early interest generated by the first poster, this new item will have a much shorter auction period. So anyone interested in owning a piece of history, blessed by yours truly, should act quickly and visit one of our two auctions via the links below.
And to ease any concerns among potential buyers, it should be noted that I blessed these two posters through the Internet. Thus, they are undamaged by the sneeze particles that generally accompany my blessing.
One high-level investigator, speaking on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the situation, said the apparent theft occurred in recent weeks at Pug Life Ministries' secretive compound in Texas.
"We hear that something went down at the Pug Life Telethon," the investigator said, referring to a recent fundraiser. "But unless those dogs cooperate, there's nothing the IAEA can do. At present time, we can't even get them to shake hands."
Sources inside the ministry, which is led by firebrand cleric Ayatollah Mugsy, refused to comment.
The ministry, described by some U.S. officials as a dangerous secessionist canine movement, has refused to cooperate with the U.N. in the past, with its enigmatic leader openly feuding with the IAEA.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Isn't that amazing? Just imagine how many bones we could bury in that! God willing, I will annex this land for Pugistan so that no tasty morsel shall go unhidden. To learn more about this Siberian marvel, click here.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Friday, August 03, 2007
Oh, dear. I'm afraid we're going to have to wrap the telethon up early. I have to get Tom Petty to the hospital at once. Pray for him. And thank you all for attending.
As some of you may recall, I was brutally slain by a demon-possessed Chihuahua. Were it not for the resurrectory powers of Brother Mugsy, my beloved friend and business partner, I would not be barking before you now. Though some might hold a grudge after such a vicious attack, I quickly forgave Bella the Chihuahua. She knew not what she did. And now, after witnessing the progress that she has made since her exorcism, I am ready to welcome her back into the fold. Yes, the onetime outcast Mexican bandito will be retaking the habit and rejoining the Pug Life nunnery as Sister Bella.
Let this story of forgiveness and redemption fill your hearts as you dig deep into your wallets to purchase some goods from the Vatican Gift Shop. All proceeds will go directly to the Pug Life Telethon fund, which currently stands at 67 cents. That is just $99,999,999.33 short of today's goal. Remember: Every little bit helps; every big bit helps more.
And so here I am, coming to you live from my living room. It is not as grand a setting as I had hoped for, but Billy Crystal has made himself comfortable on the recliner, and we have some dancers changing into burqas in the bathroom. Everything, I am certain, will work out fine.
I had hoped to be able to broadcast live on network television, so that you could tune in and see every moment live. Unfortunately, this has proven impossible. But those of you with older TV sets might be in luck; if you turn the dial three-sevenths of the way between channels 8 and 9 and adjust the rabbit ears just right, you should be able to pick up a signal. If you are within three miles of the ayatollah compound. And you have ample aluminum foil.
But fret not, the rest of you. I will be blogging throughout the day to bring you highlights from the telethon, which will undoubtedly rock my living room in a way it has never been rocked before. Are you ready, my flock? Yes, I thought so. Let the telethon begin!
[Cue the dancers.]
Thursday, August 02, 2007
"Um, Mugsy," he said, "you do realize that the numbers after the decimal ..."
"Wait," I interrupted, setting a pair of dog biscuits down on top of the paper. I smiled broadly at the billionaire, certain that this offer would be sufficient.
But it was not to be. It seems he would rather have his shiny arena closed down for the day than host a once-in-a-lifetime event of global, nay, universal significance. No matter; I am sure I can find a suitable location by morning. God willing ...
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
It is said that "boys will be boys." But boys will also find their kneecaps broken by a band of club-wielding bulldogs if they are caught messing with the wrong ayatollah’s auto-steed. Keep that in mind, young hoodlums. And know that ARF’s bloodhounds are on your trail.