Monday, July 30, 2007
Step 1: You'll want to start by gathering up fur. The baseboards can be a good place to find materials. Make sure you have a sturdy support to work on -- these decoys can get heavy.
Step 2: Now you've cleaned up all the fur collected on the baseboards and clinging to the table legs, but it's not quite enough. Don't despair, Pug Lifers; with the right tools, you'll be just fine. I recommend a good, sturdy brush. Now go to work on your real-life pug. Try going both with and against the grain. You'll be amazed at how quickly the fur adds up. Don't be afraid to brush too much; I've yet to make a pug go bald.
Step 3: Now we're getting somewhere. See the pug begin to take shape? From here, it's just a matter of smoothing out the rough edges. Try some 400-grit sandpaper, and a chisel if necessary. Before you know it, you've got a decoy pug of your very own.
For accessories like the ayatollah's turban, we use a proprietary prop with a Mr. Potatohead-like attachment feature. The details on these are classified, so you'll have to try fabricating your own. Good luck on your projects, everybody! For Ayatollah Mugsy, this is Bob Vila saying, "Allah be with you."
Once Bruce dried off, we got to work on some pressing security matters. My canine Muslim faith had prevented me from properly interrogating one of the ringleaders of this year's chew-toy insurrection. Bruce, however, had no such qualms about "questioning" Squeaky Pig. Thank Allah for extraordinary rendition.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Click here to read about Oscar the cat.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
I have taken both arguments to heart. And despite mother's grievous transgressions, I have decided to keep her around. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I hear her pouring my morning meal.
Monday, July 23, 2007
She was going to a baby shower. "Mugsy," she asked beforehand, "I know the ministry's coffers are low, but may I please buy a gift for the baby-to-be? I promise it will not interfere with the flow of rawhide to your eager mouth, Your Holiness." I briefly considered her request and then nodded my consent. Longtime readers of this blog know of my well-established compassion for the world's children. Though seldom as attractive as puppies, they are innocents and thus deserve a good start in life. I believe the children are our future -- our future dog servants. So not only did I grant mother permission to purchase a fitting gift for the baby, I also offered a suggestion that would ensure this human had a leg up right out of the starting gate.
And what gift did mother purchase for this child? Not an Ayatollah Mugsy Youth Infant Creeper, as I had recommended. Not even a Pug Crumb Catcher Bib. It is tragic, really. This child could have entered this world at the height of fashion, commanding respect from his or her peers from Day One. Plus, the baby would have served as a crawling, drooling billboard for the ministry. What higher purpose could Allah bestow on a human child? Instead, it will wear some common outfit from Target. If ever mother was deserving of chastisement, now is the time. So let her have it, my flock.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
This will push our telethon back, but it will also give you all more time to save up your money for donations or audition for a slot in the event's entertainment lineup. God willing, I will have an announcement on the official telethon date, as well as the official slogan, within the next few days.
Monday, July 16, 2007
After my high-level security talks with Rabbi Jake and Bruce, I stopped by the house of the former Sister Bella to check on her progress. Just as I feared, it seems a "booster exorcism" is in order for our Chihuahua sister. But no blood was drawn, so we will label this a successful house-call. The next morning, we visited one of the great-grandmothers in the hospital and then drove up the turnpike to Tulsa to see the other. And it was there that I sampled a rare treat:
To those unfortunate souls who have never tasted a Coney I-Lander coney, a pilgrimage is in order. This fast-food Mecca is a Tulsa institution. Its undersized hot dogs boast an oversized flavor exceeding even that of enriched rawhide. Founded in 1926 in downtown Tulsa, the eatery has expanded somewhat over the years, with a handful of locations throughout the Tulsa area. Yet, tragically, its flavorful wieners have eluded the palates of many. While substandard fast-food chains such as McDonald's and Subway have proliferated across the globe, the religious experience of eating a cheese coney with no onions remains confined to northeastern Oklahoma.
Over the weekend, I paid my first visit in well over a year to this purveyor of heaven in a bun. It was just as I remembered: the soft, steamed bun; the perfectly melted cheese; the tiny yet intensely flavorful (and hopefully halaal) weenie. And that chili. Oh, the chili. It is like nothing else on Earth. Allah Himself just have lovingly ladled it onto the bun. If you ever find yourself within a hundred miles of Tulsa, do your taste buds a favor and take a coney detour.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
You may think that Bruce, being less than 4 months old, is too young to sit in on such high-level talks. But he is rather advanced for his age, and he is eager to learn. Plus, he is tall enough to knock the food off the humans' table.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Several new security measures are being enacted to ensure that the telethon, tentatively scheduled for July 20, will go off without a hitch. I have diverted fur from our patriotic ribbon program to be used in life-like decoys -- decoys that will be positioned around the ministry, making it impossible for any would-be evildoers to determine my true location. These carefully molded piles of fur have the look and feel of a real pug and will even be dressed in stylish ayatollah attire. The late Saddam Hussein employed a similar strategy to great effect, and I am confident that it will provide another layer of security as the ministry sniffs out those who would do us harm. Be vigilant, my flock.
EDIT: Thanks to Upwiththesun, my sermons will no longer be incomplete. This is one "improvement" that Blogger should have skipped.
Friday, July 06, 2007
Many of the humans taking part in these protests made a point of letting their canines run free while they were shackled, and this is a move I whole-heartedly applaud. These humans will find the transition to canine rule under the coming Pugistani theocracy to be much easier than their less-forward-thinking brethren.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
This will be an excellent opportunity to expand the ministry's reach while also showing the humans what a real beard looks like.
Sunday, July 01, 2007
On Saturday, I welcomed a new canine to the congregation. My uncle adopted Bruce, a Lab puppy, from a shelter in Carrollton and stopped by to introduce him to me. "Ayatollah," he said, "I want Bruce to learn from you how to be a 'good dog.' Can you take him under your wing and mentor him?"
"Yes, my human child," I replied. "I will work with your large-pawed pup. For a small fee."
After receiving a biscuit in payment, I took Bruce out in the back yard to get a baseline of his skills. He possessed excellent athleticism and keen ball-fetching ability. He was a fast runner, but not as fast as yours truly. Yes, my flock -- despite this graying beard, the ayatollah can still tuck tail and fly.
Bruce's drinking form -- splashing much of the water out of his bowl -- differed from mine. But it proved effective all the same. Once the humans began to feast on their lunch, Bruce and I made our way inside. The pup displayed food-seeking techniques beyond his years, using his height to full advantage and nearly making off with slices of pizza on multiple occasions. It was apparent that with practice and a slightly refined technique, he could become a true begging prodigy.
Finally, it was time for Bruce to go. His parents had a date with PetSmart and one of those cages the humans like to euphemistically call "crates." I took young Bruce aside. "You are off to a fine start, my canine protege," I barked. "When next we meet, I will introduce you to rawhide."