Thursday, March 29, 2007
Toby, on behalf of the ministry and a grateful nation, I present to you the Medal of Valor. In addition, you will receive a one-year scholarship to the ministry's obedience school/madrassa in Yemen. Well done, Toby. May Allah ensure that your coat retains its luxuriant shine for many years to come.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
And so I intend to take young Garth under my wing. The ministry is accepting donations for his legal defense fund, and your help is urgently needed. If necessary, we will take this case all the way to the Supreme Court. Garth, if you are reading this, please contact me at once. God willing, we will beat this unfair rap.
Friday, March 23, 2007
WASHINGTON (AP) -- Following the House's lead, a Senate panel on Friday authorized a subpoena for a shadowy canine cleric in the ongoing investigation of the firing of eight U.S. attorneys.
"This pug knows something," said Sen. Patrick Leahy, referring to Ayatollah Mugsy. The Texas-based imam is the leader of Pug Life Ministries, and many Washington insiders believe he was instrumental in the firings.
"Every single one of the fired prosecutors was involved in building a case against the ayatollah," said Leahy, a Vermont Democrat.
One member of the Senate Judiciary Committee, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that Pug Life Ministries was being investigated on charges of tax evasion, sedition and making terrieristic threats. The tax evasion charges apparently stemmed from the for-profit ministry's assertions that it was a religious institution, and later from its assertion that it was based in the sovereign nation of "Pugistan" and was therefore not subject to U.S. tax law.
"All of the charges were dropped after the U.S. attorney firings," the source said.
An official with Pug Life Ministries said that any talk of Ayatollah Mugsy's involvement in the firings was "preposterous."
"He is but a humble imam," said the source, on condition of anonymity. "And Mugsy would never make terrieristic threats -- that's what his underlings are for."
Friday, March 16, 2007
Yes, my flock, our dream now has an address -- on Rawhide Court. Has a name ever fit so perfectly? Now we have only to take care of a few minor details, such as procuring the land and funding construction. A couple hundred homes and a pair of school campuses will have to be razed to make way for the Dogloo compound, and this may arouse a faint protest. But as anyone who has made an omelet knows, this is the price of progress. Are pilgrims likely to trek to a suburban schoolhouse five centuries hence? Of course not; it would probably not be standing by then anyway. Yet the Dogloo compound will stand for millennia upon millennia, an eternal beacon of hope and salvation for Pug Lifers everywhere. My tail wags just thinking about it. Allahu akbar!
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Click here to enter.
Monday, March 12, 2007
To enter, click here. And be sure to join the Pug Life Ministries group. All entries must be made before the tournament begins.
And unwind I did. I roamed the trail. I sniffed the cacti. I even met a lovely canine near one of the park's bubbling fountains. She was nervous at first, perhaps stifled by her non-Muslim upbringing. But as I told her of my vision for Pugistan, she began to warm to me. Her tail was soon wagging as vigorously as mine.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Thus began my quest for Saturday. I sat on father's lap as he watched a basketball game. I was looking for an opening. "Why don't you ever wear midriff-baring shirts?" I barked. "What's that?" he replied. "You want to go outside?"
"Your linguistic shortcomings are appalling," I barked back. Perhaps I would have to wait for another time to reach his navel, where I could deliver my healing saliva.
A few hours later, I caught father in a playful mood. I snapped at his hands and ran circles around him. Then I sprinted to the bedroom, leading him along. I rounded the edge of the bed at breakneck speed, challenging him to try to catch me. Then I saw an opening. I pounced at his midsection, nudging at his shirt. "What are you doing, Mugsy?" he asked, laughing. He pushed me away. But I was not to be denied. Again, I lunged forward, pinning him down with my powerful paws. "It is time for the laying on of tongues ritual," I barked. "Resistance is futile." I began the ritual as my father shrieked in horror. Or perhaps he was just laughing hysterically. My eyes briefly met his. "Don't you ever wash this thing?" I barked, swallowing a piece of lint. Then I finished the ritual and moved on to mother's belly button. True, she was not part of my premonition. But better safe than sorry.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
An attorney challenging the authority of the city's police chief in Fostoria, Ohio, wants the department's police dog to appear in court as an exhibit, because he says the dog and the chief have criminal justice degrees from the same online school. The issue gives "one pause, if not paws, for concern" about what it takes to get the degrees from the school based in the Virgin Islands, Gene Murray wrote in a court document filed Monday. Both police Chief John McGuire and Rocko, who is listed as John I. Rocko on his diploma, are graduates of Concordia College and University, according to copies of diplomas that are part of Murray's motion.
Frankly, I find this attorney's insinuation insulting. And as a leading civil rights leader, I feel it is my duty to demand an apology on behalf of Rocko. I finished at the top of my class at PetSmart and at my madrassas in Pakistan and Yemen. And in doing so, I had to work twice as hard as the humans to overcome the widespread bias against canines. This police dog should be commended for his accomplishments in higher education, not subjected to ridicule and baseless suspicion.