Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Saturday, January 27, 2007
But we cannot stop there. Canines are still treated like second-class citizens in far too many areas. So I call on the Dallas City Council to go even further. We canines want to be allowed in all stores, with the exception of Wal-Mart, which the humans can keep for themselves. We want puppy classes to be subsidized by tax dollars, just like public schools for humans. And we demand full voting rights. Make it happen.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Yes, it was time to take a break from the deadly-serious business of leading the world's largest interfaith, interspecies ministry and enjoy a few hours of levity. Chappelle was very funny and quite a storyteller. In fact, I dare say he is a genius. The event's other headliner was Erykah Badu. Going into the evening, I knew little about the singer -- only that she lived in Dallas and shared my impeccable taste in headwear. But I enjoyed her performance as well, even if she didn't call me on stage. It was nice to be able to let my beard down and take a brief respite from the troubles that have plagued the ministry in recent weeks. And, of course, there were the children. Yes, we mustn't forget them. For they are some of the city's best and brightest. Someday, God willing, they will play a key role in the Pugistani government. If the puppies are our future leaders, these children are the puppies' future top assistants. That I was able to aid their education made the evening that much more special. As Dave Chappelle said: "It just looks like I'm telling dirty jokes. Really, I'm buying books."
As I rode home after the show, I received a very important phone call, offering a very important piece of information. As I write this, an unmarked ARF automobile is on its way to pick me up. And by the time you read this, after it is auto-posted two hours from now, I will have reached my destination. God willing, I will survive this night and return to tell you more.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Sunday, January 14, 2007
WAR REPORTI have compiled the following information from media coverage and ARF field reports:
CENTRAL TEXAS THEATER OF OPERATION
AUSTIN (ARF, Declassified) -- As insurgents fled southward on Interstate 35, Winston the Pug led a blockade to halt their progress. At approximately 0900 hours, Lt. Winston encountered strong resistance from a chew toy of the hedgehog variety. He responded with lethal force, removing the insurgent's squeaker to ensure that said insurgent would not spread its anti-God communist message ever again.
OKLAHOMA THEATER OF OPERATION
OKLAHOMA CITY (The Edmond Sun) -- Bella the Chihuahua, the former nun who last year led a reign of terror across the Mexican countryside, destroyed a fork-wielding elephant chew toy in front of a busload of stunned schoolchildren on Sunday. The vanquished pachyderm was reportedly a ringleader in the recent coup at Ayatollah Mugsy's Dallas-area compound. Rumors that Bella had undertaken the attack as part of the War on Chew-Toy Terror were quickly denied by those forced to be close to the tiny dog. "She attacks just about anything that attempts to look her in the eye," said one source, who said Bella did not even know that a war was raging. "Those kids are lucky she didn't see them first."
NORTHERN THEATER OF OPERATION
KANSAS CITY, Mo. (The Washington Post) -- Human rights groups on Sunday condemned a gruesome attack in the ongoing War on Chew-Toy Terror, accusing the Armed Revolutionary Forces of committing atrocities. An Amnesty International spokesman said the cotton-spilling attack by ARF soldiers Bam-Bam and Kona violated the Geneva Convention. The victim, an alleged participant in the recent chew-toy coup at Pug Life Ministries, has not yet been identified. Ayatollah Mugsy, the spiritual leader of the canine militia, played down any talk of wartime atrocities and noted that no canines were present at the Geneva Convention. He also praised the soldiers' "measured response."
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Monday, January 08, 2007
Blue Bull is not smart enough to realize this, but he has played right into my paws. (He was also not smart enough to change my password, enabling me to reclaim my blog.) Blue Bull may control the ayatollah compound, but he does not control the hearts and minds of Pug Life Ministries -- with the lone exception of Dietrich the Dachshund, who chose to side with the Bullsheviks. We shall see how that works out for our misguided weenie-shaped brother.
Blue Bull thought that he could easily seize control in my absence, that the Armed Revolutionary Forces had crumbled. In truth, I asked Supreme Commander Brody to hold his troops back. I wanted to know the full extent of this insurgency. I wanted the coup plotters to feel confident in emerging from the shadows. And now that I know who is responsible for this treachery, I intend to unleash our legions of troops -- literally.
Nothing but immediate surrender can save Blue Bull, Elephant, Evil Monkey, Squeaky Pig and Moose now. (And frankly, I do not even know why Squeaky Pig would take part in this coup. I never once chewed on him. Nor would I, as a good Muslim pug.)
Tonight, fellow Pug Lifers, we launch our counter-attack against the infidel chew toys and their vaunted arsenal of silverware. God willing, the ayatollah compound will soon be back in our paws.
P.S. -- I would have returned sooner, but it took me a while to find a rental facility for miniature horses.
Friday, January 05, 2007
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Many moons ago, the pug and I were friends. But I grew tiresome of the one-sided nature of our relationship. He chewed on me relentlessly, and what did I get out of it? Nothing but pain! So I began to plot my ascent. I was born to lead! Unfortunately, the short-snouted one uncovered my plans. He ravaged me mercilessly and left me to hang on a banana hook on the driveway for all to see. But in his quest to prolong my suffering, he made one fatal mistake: He did not finish me off. On that hook I hanged for 30 days and 30 nights. But, finally, the ayatollah's mother grew tired of seeing me. Or perhaps she was just embarrassed over what the neighbors might think. In any case, she brought me inside and threw me into the pantry, next to the recycling bin. There, in the darkness, I began to heal -- and plot my revenge.
As you can see, crude stitches hold my body together. An eyepatch covers one of my most unsightly pug-inflicted wounds. And I am approximately 30 percent lighter than I was before the attack, a result of severe cotton loss. But I revel in my disfigurement. It has served as a constant reminder of my need for vengeance. As I performed one-armed pushups in the pantry, honing my fuzzy body, I embraced my lighter physique. I am a lean, mean fighting machine.
But I did not only train my body -- oh, no. I began to read the works of Karl Marx and Vladimir Lenin. I took their revolutionary philosophies to heart. And now, as head of the Communist Toys Against Canine Oppression (a.k.a. the Bullsheviks), I will help my brethren throw off the shackles of the Capitalist Pug and his cronies.
As you can see, this change is irreversible. The pug is weak and cannot control his canine urges for material goods, so there is no use supporting him any longer. I give you all 36 hours to declare your allegiance to me and the Bullsheviks. Those who do will live in a collectivist utopia where no toy is ever chewed on, and where all household income above $18,000 is skimmed and redistributed by yours truly. Those who don't will be stripped of their Bourgeoisie accoutrements and sent to harsh labor camps.
The choice is yours.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Oh no! They're at the door! Mugsy, please help! AFLAC! AFLAARGH!