Saturday, September 30, 2006
Thursday, September 28, 2006
As you may know, trans-Atlantic flights do not come cheap. Now, more than ever, the ministry needs your financial help. So I am officially launching the Send a Pug to Italy Telethon. Team Pugforce will perform at Bass Hall in Fort Worth tonight to kick off the festivities. I have also moved the Italy-centric PayPal icon from my little-visited (and little-updated) travel blog to this page. A full 100 percent of donations will go toward Mugsy's Travel Fund, a worthy cause if ever there was one. That is right -- no wasteful administrative expenses like the Red Cross.
Donations are probably not tax-deductible, but it is worth a shot. The odds of an audit are actually quite low.
Monday, September 25, 2006
The ARF squad inserted into the theater of operations via the Willamette River, first using an inflatable raft and then dog-paddling the final 800 meters. Once ashore, the commandos stealthily made their way to the pound at the Doggonamo Bay facility. After burrowing under the razor-wire fence, this fearsome foursome slipped into the detention center unnoticed by the shadowy consortium of crooked Pac-10 referees and University of Oregon boosters who were holding our canine brothers captive. What happened inside the pound is classified information, but suffice it to say that the hostages are all now at home with their families. All are reported to be healthy and in good spirits. Before leaving, the commandos made sure to mark the territory for the canine nation. Never again will it be used for such evil purposes. Allahu akbar!
Code name: Bro
Hometown: Los Angeles
Education: West Point
Specialties: Barking orders, biological weapons, blob-wrestling
Code name: Disco
Education: U.S. Naval Academy
Specialties: Naval ops, disorienting foes with circular sprinting, medic
Code name: C Dizzle
Hometown: San Diego
Specialties: Covert ops, military policing, charm offensives
Code name: Killer
Hometown: Los Angeles
Education: Ayatollah Mugsy's Youth Indoctrination Camp
Specialties: Demolitions, paw-to-paw combat, heavy machine-gunner
Friday, September 22, 2006
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Barking via videophone, the leader of Pug Life Ministries struck a defiant tone in demanding the release of the five prisoners accused of being members of his Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF).
"These canines are not members of the ARF. I demand that they be released at once," the cleric said to the assembled delegates. "One way or another, they will be freed. Either you are with us or against us."
He described their detention at a Eugene, Ore., dog pound as a blatant violation of the Geneva Convention. Officials in Oregon contend they have broken up a coup plot and call the Oregon Five a danger to the community.
The General Assembly chamber was abuzz over the pug ayatollah's address. He first made news at the United Nations in April with his infamous shoe incident.
In his closing remarks, Ayatollah Mugsy told the Oregon officials to free the Oregon Five and let him take their place behind bars.
"I am the one you really want," he said.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Oregon authorities have ordered a crackdown on canine nationalism, so it is vitally important that we remain vigilant and take the necessary precautions. Keep an eye out for this man -- he is bad news. God willing, we will resolve this crisis through diplomatic means.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Here at Pug Life Ministries, we have long rejected Darwin's theory of evolution and natural selection. Instead, we have promoted the well-researched, widely accepted Intelligent Design theory. Intelligent Design holds that life is too complex to fathom and thus must be the product of an intelligent creator. But in contrast to creationism, Intelligent Design does not risk violating the constitutional separation of church and state. We can teach children in public schools about Intelligent Design because we leave up in the air just who that designer might be. It could be aliens, or a Frankenstein-esque scientist, or the Easter Bunny. I suppose it could even be Allah (wink, wink). For these reasons, Intelligent Design has been an ideal theory for the ministry to support. And the fact that we have the phrase copyrighted and receive 50 cents every time it appears in a textbook, well, that is just gravy on the Milkbone.
But despite my longtime adherence to Intelligent Design, I have to admit that Kevin's find has me reconsidering everything. I must warn you: What I am about to show you could shake your belief system to its very core. I debated whether to expose you to this most jarring information, but I finally decided that it would be wrong to deprive the world of knowledge of this incredible discovery. Has Kevin uncovered the missing link in this lost page from Darwin's notebook? You decide.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
I hereby issue a fatwa calling for the capture of all members of Saturday's officiating crew. They are to be brought to me and tried before an Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF) military tribunal. And given the conclusive evidence on my DVR, I suspect it will be a short trial.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Those are lyrics from the University of Oklahoma's "Boomer Sooner" fight song, which contrary to popular perception has more than two words. And although my AKC papers say that I am a pure-breed pug, I am, in fact, Sooner bred as well. So I ventured to Norman, Okla., over the weekend to watch my beloved team vanquish the Washington Huskies. Allah blessed us with wonderful football weather. It was sunny and breezy, not too hot. The electric game-day atmosphere can be appreciated even by those who aren't big sports fans. The band plays. The crowd chants. The cheerleaders defy gravity. The Sooner Schooner (which my mother once hitched a ride on) races around the field after Sooner scores. And best of all on this day, the Sooners pulled away in the second half for a decisive 37-20 victory.
My parents raised me to be a Sooner pug, giving me my first OU collar when I was a young pup. Had I opted for a secular education -- rather than studying at madrassas in Pakistan and Yemen -- I would have probably attended OU. An English major, perhaps. So it was great fun to sniff around the South Oval and walk through Campus Corner. Perhaps, God willing, I will go back for another game before this season is over.
On Monday, after a weekend of celebrating the Sooner victory with Norman's own Rabbi Jake, I had a very important meeting -- one that could forever alter the course of Pug Life Ministries. Although it is not in my nature to be mysterious, that is all I can tell you at this time. Stay tuned ...
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
This "just" greeting is not limited to pairs. During a recent trip to dine with a couple of relatives, the hostess gathered a handful of menus and said, "Just three?" Are these people never satisfied? What, pray tell, is wrong with joining one or two friends for a meal?
Henceforth, it is forbidden for restaurant employees to use such belittling language. Those who defy this binding religious decree will face consequences most severe. Just say "no" to insulting your customers.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
The ayatollah had his checkup at Dallas' world-renowned Pepper Square Pet Clinic. His veterinarian, who asked to be referred to as "Dr. P" for security reasons, said Mugsy appeared to be in excellent health.
She said his teeth were in fine condition, and the pigment in his eyes was unchanged from a year ago.
The mullah's weight was up slightly from a year ago, to 28 pounds. Dr. P said she was not concerned, and she attributed the increase to "one pound of rock-solid muscle."
Ayatollah Mugsy declined to comment, but an aide said the results of the checkup were great news for the faithful.
"The doctors once again have found the ayatollah fit for duty and have every reason to expect that he will remain so for the foreseeable future," said Ari Fleischer, Mugsy's press secretary.
Fleischer said the ayatollah was celebrating the good news by chewing on a large rawhide bone.
Beth Adams, a veterinary assistant at the clinic, said she was honored to be able to take part in the exam.
"Just being in his presence was a wonderful thing," she said. "I feel so much better about the future of planet Earth, knowing that His Holiness is healthy and able to lead us onward."
Visibly swooning, Adams also referred to the ayatollah as "a paragon of virility," despite his 2001 neutering.
Mugsy is the supreme ayatollah of Pug Life Ministries, a shadowy group that claims millions of dogs and humans as members, as well as several cats, a turtle, a donkey, a sock monkey and a rocking horse. The group lists among its goals the establishment of an autonomous pug homeland in the American Southwest. Some critics have called the ministry a cult and a for-profit enterprise, but they have seldom been seen or heard from again.