Some of you may not have accepted Allah into your lives. You may be on the fence. Heaven sounds nice, you may think, but Hell can't be that bad. Well let me tell you, friends, today I visited perhaps the closest thing this mortal coil has to Hell. And I would not wish such an eternal fate on anyone. You see, Wal-Mart Supercenter on a Sunday afternoon is pure Hell on Earth. If you want to see what awaits you should you live out your days as a heathen, venture to the house that Sam Walton built. And do so on a Sunday afternoon. You will surely shudder. Don't spend eternity waiting for a large woman on a cellphone to move her shopping cart out of the middle of the aisle, narrowly avoiding being crushed by oblivious store employees hauling a pallet of paper towels, listening to children scream, cringing as husbands cry. Live a righteous, God-fearing life, and then you can look forward to a Wal-Mart-free afterlife.
After my harrowing excursion to Wal-Mart, I treated myself to a trip to the dog park. Following a hard week of fire-and-brimstone evangelizing, it's good to go someplace to let off some steam -- to sniff and be sniffed. I made some new friends, including a fuzzy black dog that was kind enough to chase me, a rambunctious boxer puppy and a pug named Elmo with a monstrous underbite. For the most part, the dogs were friendly and respectful. But to that little white dog with the black face, remember: No means no.